Monday, January 07, 2008


I've been back at work since last Thursday, Jan 3rd. It had been quiet. Too quiet. Today there appears to be more people around as they return from their holiday break. Still, things are slowly stirring awake, as though people are coming gradually awake after a long period of inactivity and stupor. Trying to get the momentum started again, the cogs churning with effort.

I've been within my own space, my own world. It's difficult to find words now in conversations. As if my mind had retreated and it is hard to access it again and get it to play the social games that people play. Hi! How are you? How was your holiday? Did you have a good time? I've never been very good at it to begin with anyway.

It becomes Hi? How? .... Are? .... You? Silence wedged in between words, as if forming words required effort. A stroke victim coaxing sounds from a half paralysed tongue. I'm finding it almost too hard to communicate. Or maybe it's always been this way. I don't know. I don't remember anymore. Things just feel different and foreign somehow.

I see my case manager tomorrow, first time since the holidays. V is still weeks away. But at least I'll be going away too. And it's finally beginning to feel real. On Friday I'm off to Christchurch to begin a road trip loop around the southern South Island, driving through Dunedin, Invercargill, Milford Sound, Te Anau, Queenstown, Fox Glacier, Franz Josef, Hokitika, Arthur's Pass and back into Christchurch to fly home on Jan 23rd.

This 12 day holiday will be one of the longer trips away from home for me, and while I know I will really enjoy seeing the landscape of the South Island so well known for its beauty, I know it will be tough to be out of my routine and basically being outside my comfort zone. V had warned me about this and told me my stress levels tend to be higher when I am away from home. I don't deny this at all. I just have to be careful.

I think I'm quite looking forward to this. There are very few things in life better than a road trip!


pjbrubak said...

I have to really be on point when I go to a party. If I stop and lose my concentration I'll get quiet and awkward while talking to someone. In a way, it's an act, because I'm trying hard to be a good communicator...but at least I'm happy.
Have a great road trip man.

The Hopeful Borderline. said...

Sometimes when I'm talking to people I feel so exhausted by the energy it takes (people I don't know well). I feel a little overwhelmed in meeting new people in case I can't keep my concentration. Like pjbrubak says I often lose the thread of conversation. I'm trying to push myself though. Have a great vacation.

Anonymous said...

I feel the same way hopeful borderline. The massive amount of energy it takes just to be 'normal' in this world - to talk, make conversation, etc. It's huge.

I play the social games... pretty well. But they always leave me with an empty feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Hope your road trip goes well Polar, it sounds fantastic - beautiful country! And hopefully it will help to distract from things maybe. I always find travelling and being in nature cathartic - but that's just me...

Have a good time, we'll miss you.

Jac/Rylah xXx

Mamabeek said...

Thanks for the visit and support... I love seeing your sweet white face,and those wonderful ears.

Good for you taking this trip and I hope it's as wonderful as you can imagine. It's what you make it, and you sound like you WANT to make it good, so I'm going to send lots of positive thoughts your way. You don't have to be a social butterfly, you only have to look, smell and enjoy!

+PHc said...

I don't want to be thinking about road trips right now, because they are the best memories of my life. I hope yours is good in a way that is still good for you after it.

Suzanne said...

Sounds good to me - I'm really envious actually - what a beautiful place to be going! :-)

+PHc said...

"Aphasia" is the word for stroke victims' loss to find words. At least the word itself is beautiful, for whatever that's worth.