Friday, February 29, 2008


I've been running well but experiencing pain in my left knee. It acts up every now and then, causing more pain the more I run. But I can't give up running. I'm afraid of doing more damage and yet I'm not doing anything for it. There's no obvious swelling to ice and the pain is difficult to locate. It's behind the knee, slightly on the left or on the outside of the left knee. It hurts when I land on my feet. It's tight when I bend it.

My mood has been better than its been. Pretty flat, but that's normal for me. I haven't been taking my morning Seroquel dose regularly. I've tried it on weekends - it really makes me dopey and sleepy. On weekdays I can't afford to be dopey. There's work to attend to. And it's been a busy week with the start of semester.

Therapy this week was OK. V wanted to know more about my mental health history. I had to talk about a past I have tried hard to bury, but talking to V is easy. My years in Canada were very dark years. During the worst periods, I'd be hospitalised as often as once every 2-3 months.

I've put a lot of those memories away on the back shelves of my mind. Dredging them all up again was tough in a way, but strangely liberating. As I recounted certain significant events to V, I felt a certain relief. I don't think I've ever been able to share these painful moments of my life with someone who truly understood and did not judge me.

Those years were rough. There were so many moments when I gave up. There were so many times I could have died. How close did I get? Close enough. Close, but not close enough. Such despair. And yet I got past all that. I grew up. I accepted responsibility.... oh, I would be accused of not taking responsibility, but I did. Everything I did, I did it for one more day, and one more day, and today, I am still here. Today, I am a grown up.

Some days I still struggle. I don't know if my fears and anxieties and despair will ever all disappear. I don't know if I will ever be able to be medication free. I like to think I will be. And therein, lies hope.


nadcesca said...

I totally understand when you say everything you did or do is for just to be alive one more day... I'm really happy for you that you are finally able to talk about strange and hurt moment of your past... I know when I have a chance to let everything out, even if it is only in writing... it does help! And yes you are growing up and learning more everyday... don't give up and don't listen to people who say otherwise... they have no idea how it is to be us!

take care sweety
Nadine :)

The Patient said...

Sometimes, hope is all we have; I don't think I'd still be here if I didn't have at least a sliver of hope that someday, things will get better. My therapist is trying to get me to see that my fear and anxiety (and all of those other "bad" feelings) aren't ever going to go away - I just need to learn how to manage my feelings in a healthier way.

Suzanne said...

It's "funny" how *we* are the ones accused of not taking responsibility - but in our ways we shouldered ALL the responsibility and we took responsibility for the actions of others around us.

Congrats on surviving. xx

Are you going to speak to a doctor about your knee? It would be such a shame if you couldn't run for a while because of it.

James said...

I'm so glad that you're feeling a little better and have HOPE!!! Woohoo!!

Hope is so important in dealing with our conditions.

Zathyn Priest said...

I'm glad you're feeling a little lighter than have been recently, and even more glad you can talk to V and feel comfortable doing so.

It is sometimes a matter of one day at a time or else it becomes overwhelming. But I can see positivity in this post and that's a wonderful thing.

I used to wonder if I'd ever be able to live without medication, to the point where I was horribly non-compliant for years. Now what I want is to live with more light than dark and I've realised if that means taking medication, so be it.

Again, glad to see you're doing better :)

Sara said...

How did you get to where talking to V was easy?