Friday, February 01, 2008

The reasons why

Because I am afraid you will leave me.

Because I want to numb the pain.

Because I don't want to be alone.

Because I don't want to be alone with my thoughts.

Because I'm scared.

Because it hurts.

Because my heart hurts.

Because I don't want to care.

Because the hours in between are the hardest.

Because it requires so much more effort than I can give.

Because I don't want to cry anymore.

Because of the pain of separation.

Because I will never know your touch.

Because I am alone.

Because I don't think anyone else cares.

Because I hate/despise/loathe myself.

Because I'm so tired of fighting.

Because I am sad.

Because I don't want to be sad anymore.

Because I don't see any other way out.

Because I just. Want. To.

Because I am not worthy.

Because it is the only way to shut myself up.

Because in the end, it will all have been futile.

Because I know one day you will leave me.

Because it is my only consolation.

Because I am weak.

Because I will never be anything more than "your client".

9 comments:

+PHc said...

Are there any of these that V does not know you feel?

lostgirl said...

Oh PB, So sorry you feel like this. Is there anything you can do to distract yourself? Can you contact V or someone else to talk everything over? Is there an equivalent of the Samaritans (UK) to talk to? Can you talk to an emergency psychiatrist or go to hospital if its that bad? Just try and get through the day.

all the best
lostgirl

The Hopeful Borderline. said...

I'm worried about you. Please phone your therapist or go to the hospital. It is totally normal to have these types of feelings about therapy and therapists. I'm sure the therapist would want to help you through this. I don't know you very well but you are worthy and worth taking the time for. Therapy is really hard and I've been there too. Sometimes it feels like a one way bond in which you are so dependant on them. Sometimes they say flippant things and it makes you think they have no clue as to your inner pain. You have to tell them (sometimes they're thick as planks)so that you can figure out together what is triggering you to feel so bad. The therapist needs to know he/she is doing something to trigger this response. Hope you feel better soon.

nadcesca said...

PB you need to get help fast. Please honey... don't wait any longer.You have to go call someone to come and get you and take you to the hospital... or see someone now. the words..the pain... I know them to well. You are slowly leaving your self to just be and then not exist... for all of us here that cares about you do this NOW. Ask for help... let them take care of you for a chance... at least until you can. Don't stay alone with the emotions... they will get the best of you and destroyed you more. If it helps keep writing ok or email me... hugs hang in there sweety... maybe you don't... but we do love you... xx

Aqua said...

I'm worried about you PB. I feel so many of those things too...so you are not alone. Also, I care, so you are mistaken that "no one cares". Please call your pdoc or therapist and take care of you.
Hugs,
...aqua

Suzanne said...

People do care, but we're so lost we don't know how to accept their friendship. Call someone at the unit - and print that list for V.

MB said...

Oh hun! *big hugs* you sound so lost....please, as the others have said, please talk to someone. Get help through this dark patch!

And people do care sweet! Take a look at the comments on here - we wouldn't be urging you to seek help if we didn't care.

Sid said...

I hope that if you were in crisis when you wrote this that you've gotten help. If they are answers to homework V gave you, I hope that you'll not only share this with her, but also the post before it.

I know when you hate yourself, it's hard to believe that others care, but some of us honestly do.

Polar Bear said...

Hey everyone
I just want to say thanks so much for all your support. I did get some help and I'm slowly coming out of the fog.

I'm still pretty down, but I'll be fine. And I'll try to update as soon as I can and swing by to catch up on all your blogs.

I just want to say THANK YOU again, I do appreciate your responses and it does help me a great deal to know you are out there.

Hugs
Polar Bear