"So, how are you?"
"What does OK mean to you?"
"How would you describe it if you couldn't use the word 'OK'?"
We've started this way, a few times. Usually, when people ask me the 'how-are-you' question, they don't care. They don't really want to hear more. I say OK, and everyone accepts that. I say OK, even when I'm not particularly OK. But that's fine, because no one really wants to hear any more than that. Especially when you're not OK.
And so I get stuck when V digs for more.
How AM I feeling?
Sometimes I don't know. Because the truth is, I don't care either. I've treated myself the same way people treat me. Or maybe people treat me the same way I've treated myself. I don't know. I couldn't care less about myself. Sometimes I feel an overwhelming urge to beat myself up with a baseball bat. I want to scream at myself - to SHUT-THE-HELL-UP.
I am demanding and domineering. I want HER to cringe and cower. I expect HER to be silent, to not be seen. And if she so much as say a word, a single word, I will beat her into submission.
I wish she would just disappear.