Tuesday, March 11, 2008

How are you?

"So, how are you?"

I'm ok.

"What does OK mean to you?"

...?

"How would you describe it if you couldn't use the word 'OK'?"

...???

We've started this way, a few times. Usually, when people ask me the 'how-are-you' question, they don't care. They don't really want to hear more. I say OK, and everyone accepts that. I say OK, even when I'm not particularly OK. But that's fine, because no one really wants to hear any more than that. Especially when you're not OK.

And so I get stuck when V digs for more.

How AM I feeling?

Sometimes I don't know. Because the truth is, I don't care either. I've treated myself the same way people treat me. Or maybe people treat me the same way I've treated myself. I don't know. I couldn't care less about myself. Sometimes I feel an overwhelming urge to beat myself up with a baseball bat. I want to scream at myself - to SHUT-THE-HELL-UP.

I am demanding and domineering. I want HER to cringe and cower. I expect HER to be silent, to not be seen. And if she so much as say a word, a single word, I will beat her into submission.

I wish she would just disappear.

1 comment:

butterflies said...

LOL! sorry but I got a chuckle out of this post.At least you have some feelings Hon..
And yes thanks Im OK too;)