Thursday, March 06, 2008


Words - what do they mean anyway? How do they have such power, such force as to cause upheaval beyond imaginings? Words - how do they have the capacity to heal as well?

I didn't so much as admit it to myself, even to myself, but last week's session with V sent me on a downward spiral of harsh judgments and consequences. There were the "shoulds" and "coulds" and "what-have-you"s. There was the overwhelming sadness and loneliness. I look back and see a little girl lost, a more than troubled teenager, a young adult who lacked so many basic skills for living. And I blamed myself.

Where there was opportunity to grow, I destroyed it. I was nothing more than a saboteur. I was nothing but a shattered soul, a twisted wreck of a human being, who didn't know anything beyond self destruction and self deprivation. A shell that contained emotions of such intensity so that the pressure of containment drove me to insanity.

It's best not to look back on the many lives I used to live. I could walk out of one and walk into another and burn the bridges behind me. In theory, that is such a simple concept. But demons don't need bridges to cross over. They are parasites that cling onto your soul and set up camp. No amount of washing, or scrubbing, or running, or screaming, or tearing apart, or prying, can rid them. They cling, they gnaw, they eat away at you.

What do you do?

I was seventeen when I discovered ways to physically self destruct. I was nineteen when my mind caved in and the monster visited me for the first time, tortured me into believing in it (I finally have a word for this as well, one that I've been denying for the longest time. Psychosis. It's called psychosis). I was nothing but a kid. I was a kid on the other side of the world, away from family (which was a GOOD thing). Away from everything I knew, on my own and struggling under the weight of responsibility in an adult world, dealing with a mental illness which brought me great shame and embarrassment.

I can't blame her anymore...

I should have been out there having fun.

I should have been building the kind of relationships that last beyond college instead of earning myself the reputation of "the-one-who-went-crazy".

I should have been out partying, meeting guys, dating boys.

Instead of sitting in my dorm room planning my suicide.

I can't blame her anymore...

V gave me the power yesterday. She gave me the new words...

"I did the best I could with the hand that I was dealt. And it was a difficult hand to play".


Rylah/Jacqui said...

V is right, Polar, you did do the very best you could do with the knowledge and information you had at the time. I know it's hard to remember that, but it is very true. I need to take that on too!
Thinking of you (((hugs)))
Jac xXx

Suzanne said...

"I did the best I could with the hand that I was dealt. And it was a difficult hand to play".

This is EXACTLY what G has told me over the years, that I did the best *I* could to raise *myself* because nobody else was providing the support & guidance for me. I was a child trying to raise a child... and in some ways I still am a child in an adult's body.

V is doing great (as are you!)

I TOTALLY get the walking in to a new life and burning the bridges in the old one. I seem to have had so many different "personalities" to fit different groups of friends & periods of my life...

I also feel SO cheated that here I am 34 years old and only just starting out and making babysteps through life, I should've been doing this at 18 - I've had those 16 years robbed from me!


Judy B said...

Polar, It could be,and has been me, saying those same words to my therapist. She's totally right. You did the very best you could. In fact you have done excellently (is that even a word?). You survived and you'r dealing with your pain. Many people are self medicating with booze or drugs. Give yourself a pat on the back for being such a survivor. Thanks for reminding me of those universally helpful words "I did the best I could with the hand that I was dealt."

Untreatable said...

A very good post and lots of valuable advice. One of my greatest challenges is separating today from yesterday.