Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Torment

the voices drone on in the background. Something about a spy caught by the secret police. The dominating one is the one that pierces through my thoughts. I'm trying hard to focus on what I want to think about, which is about my running.

The trail is soft from the recent rainfall. I can hear the gentle rush of water down the little stream. Rainfall seems to prompt the rush of water. My breathing is in rhythm with my steps and the chill in the air invigorates me.

"Don't cry."

And immediately, my eyes are prickled with the bitter sting of tears.

No.

I run harder, my footfalls increasingly out of sync, and my breaths become ragged and forced. I feel as though the world is sucked dry of oxygen, and I stumble over my own hurried steps.

"You'll just die anyway."

"You know what will happen."

No. Shut up.

"No, shut up." I say out loud.

The laughter is cruel and taunting.

"Shut up," louder, this time, as if I could hope to fend it off with volume.

I am tearing a path through the crunchy golden leaves on the ground. The trees whisper above my head. My heart is bursting with the effort of my exertion and the effort of holding myself together. I've finally left the laughter behind me. The taunts fade as I gasp for air.

I reach the little wooden bridge that marks the end of the trail. I run across it in 4 strides and pound my way up the hill to emerge onto the main road. I look briefly behind me, shaking with coiled fear. The rushing blood in my ears are loud enough now to drown out that dominating voice.

But the imprint of the sentiment remains blackened in my head - You're dead.

8 comments:

James said...

Wow. What a powerful post!! The way you describe your experience is breath-taking. The torment sounds crushing and I understand the voices being so dominate and aggressive.

I wish that we could fight back physically against our voices because I'd take no prisoners baby!!!

Aqua said...

I agree with James, your explanation of your tormenting inner voices is powerful and so intensely descriptive.

I swear those voices come from inside my head. They are so brutal and scary. I wish I could help make them stop.
...aqua

Polar Bear said...

Thanks, James and Aqua. I wish the voices came from inside my head, then I could reason they are just part of my mind.

What I find most frightening is that they are OUTSIDE my head. Like someone around me has said them when no one is obviously around me.

Aqua said...

Hi Polar Bear,
Have you talked to "T" about the outside voices? Sound to me like aural hallucinations. I'm sorry I misunderstood...I just get the evil voices inside me, I cannot imagine how difficult it would be to hear them outside me too. Maybe your pdoc or "T" can help with medication? I hope so.
Hugs,
...aqua

Judy B said...

I get voices that seem to come from "the outside" when I'm in a major depression. My shrink told me they are auditory hallucinations. They are also pseudopsychotic hallucinations because although they sound very real I know that logically they can't be real even as I experience them. Just the same it is very scary when they happen. I'm not saying you have the same thing but I know how scary any type of voice from the outside that mirrors our inner feelings can be. Hope your feeling better soon. Your writing is so very expressive and captures the essence of an experience so powerfully. Thanks for sharing.

Stephany said...

polar bear-- thanks for sharing this; my daughter's voices are from outside too. Many times it's as if another person is in our conversation, and it's very hard for her to deal with. I appreciate you telling your personal experience.

Suzanne said...

I just wanted to say that you're doing amazing well, you are way way way more stable than you were a couple of years ago. Well done you! :-)

Zathyn Priest said...

I have a combination of voices inside my head and outside - for me it's the outside voices that cause the most distress. Thankfully my medication has silenced them by around 90%, but I still hear background noise and voices almost constantly. Those I can live with...I have to.

I remember being tormented for weeks by the voice of what I can only describe as a satanic child. She screamed into my ears as though she stood right beside me. Orderin me to delete manuscripts, telling me I'd go to hell, saying my soul was hers, etc. It's extremely frightening and I can empathise with what you go through. I hope one day the voices will leave you in peace.

Best Wishes,
Zathyn