Monday, May 19, 2008

The excruciate curse

It has been excruciating for me to see how I had been reduced to nothing. The walls had come down, and around me everything had been flattened like nothing more than cardboard cut-outs, theatrical props. I’m standing on stage naked and alone, exposed and humiliated. It would take but a single match to obliterate the rest of what surrounds me. What stops me from setting fire to the ruins of my life?

It has been excruciating to live this life, plagued by a disease that gnaws at my soul and rends my heart apart into shreds of mangled tissue. I’ve been crippled and savaged by the brutality of this illness. I cannot hope to run away, even though my thoughts escape me from time to time, even though madness consumes me. I am reduced to a pile of ashes and then raised, like a golden phoenix.

Death is too good for me.


Aqua said...

Hi Polar Bear,
I feel like that so often; that the curse is in the continuing to be raised from the ashes like a phoenix, that this life will never end. My hope for you is that one day that phoenix will rise and it will take on a whole knew definition of what it is to live your life. Thinking of you.

Zathyn Priest said...

I often go into a depression/phobics chat room and my screen name is Phoenix. Precisely because of the 'rising from the ashes' mythology surrounding it.

Judy B said...

I know how you feel. This illness seems to be a never ending cyle of ups and downs.It is an excruciatingly painful illness.You are super brave to be facing your feelings head on. Your blog is important because you can describe the illness so well and others can learn from it. Hang in there you're in my prayers.

Handsome B. Wonderful said...

We're like Sisyphus always trying to push that damn boulder up the hill.