Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Matters of the heart

Sometimes it feels as though my heart will simply give out. The pain, turning from red angry into an aching numbness that feels as though it would never recover from.

In session with V, we've been dealing with some tough issues. Issues that are still close to my heart and wounds that feel fresh despite the fact that it's been at least 5 or more years ago.

V mentioned PTSD (Post traumatic stress syndrome). But it doesn't matter what it's called. The thing is, it was a matter of a broken heart. And today, I still wonder how a broken heart could still pump enough blood and oxygen to keep me alive.

Pain, everything was pain. Blood tinged with a poison pain. Tried walking on a broken foot? When I fractured the left side of my pelvis, it was agony. A broken heart pumping oxygen and blood - that was agony too.

Tenacity and a will to survive? That was me. But I'm hardly proud of that. Infact, sometimes, it shames me.


butterflies said...

I know the pain and agony of a broken heart.iT Is the worst pain imaginable.You cant put a hotwater bottle on it or rub it to soothe it...It just aches..and aches.
I told my dad when he was dying that my heart was breaking.He told me it wont and I believed him. AND it didnt.
Hugs babe

Judy B said...

You are a survivor and that is something to be proud of. You are very brave to face your past in therapy. That's really hard you're doing it. Hope you feel better soon.

Aqua said...

Polar Bear,
I hope, like a broken pelvis, or a broken foot, your broken heart can heal. I am so glad you are trying, and that you are sharing your story with us. I know your story helps me and my broken heart keep trying.

Handsome B. Wonderful said...

Those of us with mental health challenges tend to be sensitive people and so when things hurt emotionally then we feel them much more deeply.

Sometimes I wish that I was just one of those people people who felt nothing and those who are just plain stupid and oblivious to suffering. Someone who doesn't care as much but I know that if I was that person that I'd miss out on a lot of beauty too.

Being Bipolar Sucks said...

I love your writing

Ms Peculiar said...

PB... I hate to say I can feel your pain because we all feel it differently... but you write with such passiono that I can almost feel it physically. I hope that healing for your heart is swift and complete... soon
Ms P

Zathyn Priest said...

It is astounding how the heart can keep beating when its been so battered by grief and pain. I know all about PTSD and I wouldn't wish it on anybody. Putting one foot in front of the other through this is hard work, but you're doing it and for that you should feel proud of yourself.

Best Wishes,

My Thoughts said...

It isnt easy to find someone you can share your most intimate feelings.
Though your lucky to have someone
you feel so close to and can share these feelings with, someone you know you can trust and who truely cares.