Tuesday, June 03, 2008

On mute

Sorry. Life's been on mute for a while. The minutes trickle past... and in this vacuum it's as if even my breaths are muted. Vacuum packed for your enjoyment.

Last week we worked things out. I explained a lot. Words, really. I came clean. I put words to my emotions. That's progress, at least. I wasn't on mute then. And V understood. That felt good. It felt so good I want more of that. But it's not mine to take.

V also asked me last week to consider undergoing a review by some Borderline Personality "experts" from capital city. She'd suggested that a while ago, and I'd refused to. I am reluctant because of my history with them. But I think V thinks it would be really helpful in our work. So I said I'd give it some thought. I did, and today I said yes.

I'd meet with a psychologist and a psychiatrist. V said she'd be there for me if I wanted her to be. Yes, I want her to be.

Today we talked about treatment goals. We talked about how to build a life worth living. I asked, "How do you get a blind person to paint a picture?"


Aqua said...

Polar Bear,
I am so Glad V will be there for you. What a great idea. You are taking "Big giant polar bear steps". Wow. It will be interesting to see if she agrees wit the outcome and what she sees/vs, your experience of the review.

Clueless said...

I don't know your situation, but I do understand that what you are doing takes COURAGE and that is progress. Congratulate yourself, allow yourself to feel good about it and hold onto it...no discounting or pushing away.

By the way, don't polar bears always take giant step? :-)

Suzanne said...

I think that sounds great. I'm glad I did the borderline research - however I said to G that there were times I came out of research raw and blinded by emotion - and I needed to be "talked down" after a session of research.

The reason is the questions can be invasive and difficult - as you say, you've built up a relationship wtih V and you trust her (as best you can)... then these strangers come along...

So I think it's bloody brilliant she's going to be there for you! She's a good'un you've got there PB! :-)

Sid said...

Great question about the blind person painting a picture. Did V have an answer for that cuz I'd love to know myself.

Clueless said...

By the way, persons who are blind can paint!!!

sansanity said...

mmm intersting I was thinking the same thing, a blind person can indeed paint a picture. maybe they can't mix a particular color but does that matter? abstract artist represent things in their own way. Helen Keller may not have ever been able to see the Grand Canyon in it's entirety but that does not mean that had you allowed her to touch a bit of it she couldn't paint a picture of it. she may have never seen the sun but she could paint her interpretation of what the sun feels like to her, using motion & shape rather than color to describe.

so you see you can build a life worth living. it may be redefining life or building or worth.

Polar Bear said...

Yes, I'm glad V said she'd be there. SHe knows how hard it's going to be for me.

Courage... I guess. I don't feel courageous though.

It's only one session. So it shouldn't be too bad. I'll let you know how it goes. It will be scheduled for either mid July or mid August. The "experts" only come up here once a month.

Well, actually, after I asked the question, V seemed to be quite taken aback. She didn't say anything immediately.

Yes, there are blind people who paint. My mistake - I meant to say how do you get a blind person (who's been blind ALL their lives) to paint a pretty picture (of say, a sunset or sunrise).

The point I was trying to get across is - how can you imagine something you have never known?

Maybe there isn't really a good way to explain it. Just feels like it's hard for me to imagine or say I want something I have never had.

Thanks, everyone, for being there and for responding. I really do appreciate your feedbacks.