Thursday, June 12, 2008

Teach a child to hate and...

I had one of those crying dreams this morning. When I awoke, the tears were just drying on my face even as the last vestiges of the dream was fading away.

I've now spent over half my life away from "home" (where I grew up) and away from my mother in separate countries... and yet her power over me has not dissipated. In my dreams, her stony silences and screaming fits still tears my heart apart. But those were her weapons then. They were destructive weapons of unbelievable magnitude, and she wielded them with such resentment, such hatred. And it reaches beyond the past - into my nighttime dreams, to cause the crushing of my soul once more.

In my waking life I've built a wall between us. It protected me back then, and now, it has become my fortress, and now, I use silence as MY weapon.

What does she want from me? I want nothing from her now. Nothing.


Aqua said...

This post touched me so much because my Dad reminds me of how you describe your Mom...but the really incredible thing is that neither of us are like them in that I see you caring so much for others, and I know I care for others too.

I will post later today about a conversation my Dad and I had a few days will see he has so much power over me still, no matter how much I try to become independent of him and make him not matter.

We can beat them by not accepting their ways, and loving our own ways.

Zathyn Priest said...

Those wake uo crying dreams always seem to set the mood for the rest of the day. I woke up laughing once, and it too set me up for a really GOOD day. Pity it only happened once and many years ago.

As for your mum - yeah, family have a lot to answer for at times.

butterflies said...

Your mother had her own demons.
Be proud of yourself for at least trying to deal with yours and for moving past them.
Your mother can only affect you if you allow her into your head space.
You are nothing like her.

Judy B said...

I've cut off contact with my mother too. I wish I'd done it years ago.