Thursday, June 19, 2008


The moon was hanging huge over the world this morning as I drove to work. The sky was dark, a gray hue bleeding into darker tones of indeterminate blue.

I start early, before the world stirs to life on this frozen winter's morning. It's the only moment in time when the city holds its breath as if in anticipation of the day ahead. Empty roads, sleeping homes.

I wish I could hit the pause button and hold everything in its place - the peaceful calm of this dawn, the silence of an unmoving world.

But the day starts - too soon. Ringing phones, scurrying feet down corridors, quick g'mornings, voices from impromptu hallway meetings. Questions and more questions. Problems to be solved.

I'm so tired, on the day of my second anniversary, when I should be celebrating. Today, they pat me on the back and raise my salary, for a job well done. I should be happy, but all I have are doubts, and the fear surrounds me like an enemy encampment outside my flimsy, hastily constructed city walls. Knowing there isn't much I can do in a one sided battle that will see me dead.

Why does my head play such morbid images?


butterflies said...

Happy anniversary Polar Bear:)
The moon was beautiful last night here too and made the world look so bright.
You have had your own home for 2 yrs now,and come a long way.
Everyone has morbid thoughts,Jeez Im plagued with them too but thats all they are..Thoughts.
Love you

Wandering Coyote said...

You have morbid thoughts because you have an illness.

I think about suicide every day. It's the illness talking.

There are moments I wish I could pause, too...I guess that's one of the pluses of the blog, though.

Shiv said...

I can really relate to what you've written here. Even when life seems to be going good by all respects, I often see the worst in it. I am working to change that in myself though.

I used to get to work early, as in a few hours before everyone else, just to enjoy some peaceful and productive time in the office before the bustle started.


sansanity said...

i find that when i plague myself with the most morbid of thoughts i feel less panic; i've already come up with every BAD scenario on my head and made my peace with it right down to my death. what else does life think it can throw at me?

i thought it was a great coping mechanism. the therapists did not agree...

Aqua said...

I love that silence at the beginning of the day. I'm one of those people that needs intense quiet first thing in the morning...quiet solitude to start my day.

I believe you have those thoughts because of anillness of the brain. I believe one day people will recognize that mental illnesses are physical, just like eart attacks, and diabetes. There are some things we can control, but so can some with other physical illnesses i.e. (diet exercise to prevebt heart attacks/disease)...but some of what decides who will get sick depends on hereditary, genetic and biological makeup.

Congrats on your anniversary and the raise. I lovethe way you write. It is so descriptive, so hauntingly beautiful.

Handsome B. Wonderful said...

I wish I could hit the pause button and hold everything in its place - the peaceful calm of this dawn, the silence of an unmoving world.

I know what you mean. I love the quiet of night for example and rain storms. I wish I could pause those moments too. As well as after big snow storms where everyone has to stay home and the roads are empty and quiet.