Tuesday, July 22, 2008

I despair

It's been dark, where I am. And it's raining.

I'm alone, and I'm scared. I'm sealed in a vacuum, and even though I cry, I know no one will hear me.

I'm keeping the desperation at bay with a little wooden stick. It's nothing, really, just a little stick as slim and as long as a chopstick. Anyone could snap it into half with one hand. But it's all I've got, so I'm gripping it as hard as I can, and weilding it as if it was a magic wand.

The monsters circle just beyond my own shadow. It's inevitable that they will smell the fear permeating from my pores.

I've been here a long time. It's only when I shut my eyes that I can dream of other places. It's only when I shut my eyes that I can imagine other worlds, other sensations,... like light, and happiness, and joy, and laughter. I've peeked into other people's worlds, other people's happiness. I've spent a lot of time standing in the shadows outside homes filled with warmth and unity, wishing I was inside. But always, when it gets dark enough, people pull their curtains, leaving me alone in that dark. Alone and frightened of the monsters that come sniffing at my heels.

I'm so tired of being where I am. I'm so tired of trying, of fighting, of struggling, just to get more of the same. Just to see the same old things, to experience the same old hurts, the same of desperations, the same of pain, the same old aches.

I just don't want to be here anymore.


Craig said...

I'm sorry to hear that you're in the dark. It's pretty dark (literally and figuratively) here in Hong Kong too.

I'd be happy to listen to you, if you want to talk any time. I'm glad that you've got the stick with you.

Please be here. Not being here conjures up all sorts of emotional negativity.

Shiv said...

It may only be a small stick, but it gives you something to stab them in the eye with!

The feeling of only being a visitor, or even an intruder, of "happy times" leaves us empty and hollow. Sadly it is a function of our illness that we cannot accept happiness as our own but we can so readily accept depression and misery as ours.

Take care of yourself my friend, and remember, you are not just a visitor glimpsing the happy world of other people, that world is somewhere you belong and have a right to also.

mandy lifeboats appeal said...

Hi Polar Bear

Sorry things are so grim for you.

I don't know you so wont offer advice only to say you are welcome on my blog anytime and can vent, share emotions or write whatever yo want, when you want.

Hang on in there cos often that is all I can do and give it large on the strawberry ice cream. Ok so that was advice but hoping it wasn't the patronising crap we are often on the receiving end of.


Admin said...

I'm a fellow polar bear and i'm really not a great fan of life either but if you are still meaningfully communicating with others thats reason enough to hang around. You must be used to the frozen icepacks anyway.

Anonymous said...

Not many people can use chopsticks, you know... I think that's pretty special. :)

I'm alone too. Alone in a crowd.

Maybe we can be alone together.

(wishing I could give you a real one)

Wandering Coyote said...

Sorry to hear this, PB. I know how hard it is. Don't give yourself any other options besides getting to a hospital, OK?

Aqua said...

Hi Polar Bear,
Please know that I am here for you. Maybe going to the hospital would be a good idea. You would be safe there. I wish I were closer. I'd open my door to you and welcome you in. I am feeling verr similar today and am so sorry to hear you are feeling so sad. e-mail me and I will checkmy e-mail a few times today.

Polar Bear said...

Thank you Craig,

Thank you Shiv,

Thank you Mandy,

Thank you Admin,

Thank you Rylah,

Thank you WC,

Thank you Aqua.

Your comments and thoughts mean a lot to me. It's rough going, but I'll come out the other end eventually...

Polar B.

susan said...

Polar bear,

Don't go gently into that good night. You have a lot to offer to the blogopshere.