If I were to go to bed tonight and not wake up tomorrow, I'd be alright with that. I've been like that for a very long time. I don't always actively seek to kill myself, but the thought is there - that if my life ended right here, right now, all I want to say to any one I've left behind is, "It's OK".
Things around me haven't been great lately. I know the usual disappointments and bumps along the road are just that, but have become bigger than they are because of where I'm at. Truth is, I'm in a hole, and if I spent more time dwelling on this, I will fall into that spiral of self pity that won't do anything good for me.
Truth is, I'm tired. I'm tired physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. The voices in my head alternatively scream and pitch fits, or they lapse into a resentment edged silence. I'm the mother of this teenaged rebellion. I flit between despair and earnestly begging for respite.
If I were to go to bed and die tonight, I just want to say, "Don't worry anymore. I've lived a good life, despite the struggles. I tried my best, and I just can't keep this up. I've lived and survived more than I ever thought I would. It's a good time to go now. I want nothing from this world anymore. I wouldn't ask for anything else. I DON'T WANT anything else."