Friday, July 25, 2008

It's my blog and I can say anything I want

If I were to go to bed tonight and not wake up tomorrow, I'd be alright with that. I've been like that for a very long time. I don't always actively seek to kill myself, but the thought is there - that if my life ended right here, right now, all I want to say to any one I've left behind is, "It's OK".

Things around me haven't been great lately. I know the usual disappointments and bumps along the road are just that, but have become bigger than they are because of where I'm at. Truth is, I'm in a hole, and if I spent more time dwelling on this, I will fall into that spiral of self pity that won't do anything good for me.

Truth is, I'm tired. I'm tired physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. The voices in my head alternatively scream and pitch fits, or they lapse into a resentment edged silence. I'm the mother of this teenaged rebellion. I flit between despair and earnestly begging for respite.

If I were to go to bed and die tonight, I just want to say, "Don't worry anymore. I've lived a good life, despite the struggles. I tried my best, and I just can't keep this up. I've lived and survived more than I ever thought I would. It's a good time to go now. I want nothing from this world anymore. I wouldn't ask for anything else. I DON'T WANT anything else."


Wandering Coyote said...

I won't argue with you because I know it's a) not what you need, b) not about me and c) not the point. I'm at least glad you have no regrets.

Sid said...

Personally, I'd miss you and I certainly hope you do keep waking up, but at the same time, I do understand what it's like to not want to wake up and being okay with that.

Aqua said...

Hi polar bear,
I feel like that too, but I know if I am here I would miss you so much if you went. It is so hard to live like this, but please know I am hoping it will get better for you.

jsprik said...

it's like you are inside my head....i can definitely relate to this!!! i love your blogs...i'm going to link you on my page, i hope thats ok...come visit me and u can link to me too, if you like..maybe we can encourage one another???? take care...

sansanity said...

funny how such words when uttered by someone else bring out the selfish hypocrite in me.

i'd certainly understand. i'd miss you though.

Marissa Miller said...

((polar bear))

Boy, do I know where you are.