Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Quiet desperation

It's the bleakness of everything around me that wears me down gradually. It is a corrosion of the soul, a grinding down until every nerve is raw, every bit of skin is bleeding and weeping pus. There is no stone unturned, no place where quiet acceptance gives me hope.

I struggle and I struggle, just to keep my head above water, and I wonder why? I look with longing at the things I cannot have, and I wonder... why? I look at things I am not meant to have, and I yearn more and more for it. It is a hopeless wanting. It is a needless yearning. It carves out a big empty space where dreams crawl to die.

If you have nothing to say to me, what do I tell myself?


susan said...

Polar Bear,

I don't know what to tell you but I have been in your shoes.


Aqua said...

Hi Polar Bear,
My pdoc once gave me a metaphor that seems apt here given you said you struggle to keep your head above water. He said the more a drowning person struggles in the water to stay afloat, the more likely they are to drown.

If we step back from the awful feeling of trying so desperately to stay alive/keep afloat, if we stop, relax, breathe slowly and deeply we are more likely to float.

My friend please stay afloat. You are important to so many of us.

mandy lifeboats appeal said...

Hi Polar Bear

Not sure I have much to tell you that you don't already know but I am liking having you pop over to my blog when you do. :>)

Can also say I am in a general state of bewilderment and frustration with myself.

When you can step back or even stay still and feel some calm it is good but perhaps that is another skill a person has to learn. The art of being where they are especially when it feels so rank.

and perhaps I am writing drivvle but it is with best intentions.

Am sending a hug and hoping things ease, if only little enough for you to breath more gently

Krissy said...

“Sometimes, struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If we were to go through our life without any obstacles, we would be crippled. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. Give every opportunity a chance, leave no room for regrets.”

You're going to notice how strong you are one day and when you look back and wonder where it came from, remember what you've been through.

I think that's one of your "why['s]" ✔✔

sansanity said...

here's a swimming metaphor for you (thanks aqua you made me think of it).

in college they taught us the survival float. there was no treading water, no movement. you let your legs hang down and bend at the waist. you lie with your face in the water only moving your arms ever so slightly to keep you afloat and turning your head only when you need air.

the theory -- don't try to save yourself. save your energy for just surviving.

you aren't going to find answers right now so beating yourself up with the questions is rather pointless

butterflies said...

Great comments from everyone.
There are no answers as we all know.
All we can do is support each other.
Hugs chick:)

jsprik said...

been there, felt that, can practically write a book about it (except i don't have the talent!!) anyway...you are not alone..you are in my prayers! oh yeah and what krissy said about looking back, its good stuff!!

Stephany said...

I like the idea of just floating, just float and feel peace.

susan said...

Are you doing better Polar Bear?

mandy lifeboats appeal said...

Hi again Polar Bear

Just dropped by to let you know am still about and still thinking of you and rooting for you.


Wandering Coyote said...

Hey Polar Bear,

Haven't heard from you in a while. Just stopping by to say hi and hope everything's OK.