The review with the borderline personality disorder experts looms closer. It was all we talked about today as I cycled through intense feelings of rage, fear, sadness and hurt.
I don't want to do it. I can't picture myself in the same room with them and not lose control of myself. I'm mad at V because she is forcing me to do it. I'm mad at myself because this simple thing - this simple meeting, is making me so upset. V is asking me to approach this instead of applying the usual avoidance behaviour. She keeps telling me this is an opportunity. I don't know how it could be an opportunity when there is so much mistrust on my part.
It won't even be the same people who dealt with me so many years ago now, but it feels like they would be. They would represent them.
I am haunted by the ghosts of what used to be.