Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Turmoil

The review with the borderline personality disorder experts looms closer. It was all we talked about today as I cycled through intense feelings of rage, fear, sadness and hurt.

I don't want to do it. I can't picture myself in the same room with them and not lose control of myself. I'm mad at V because she is forcing me to do it. I'm mad at myself because this simple thing - this simple meeting, is making me so upset. V is asking me to approach this instead of applying the usual avoidance behaviour. She keeps telling me this is an opportunity. I don't know how it could be an opportunity when there is so much mistrust on my part.

It won't even be the same people who dealt with me so many years ago now, but it feels like they would be. They would represent them.

I am haunted by the ghosts of what used to be.

3 comments:

Aqua said...

Hi Polar Bear,
Maybe it would be a very powerful act to tell the "experts" (I hate that word..no one can be an expert on the human psyche, there is so much we do not know), but maybe it would be very powerful to CALMLY, at the beginning of the interview express to the experts how you felt last time, and your concerns about the process this time. That might stop them from making the same mistakes as before. If I were going to do that I would write down a list of my concerns and bring it to the interview and read it to them (otherwise I would get too emotional and forget what was so important to say).
Good luck,
...aqua

Nancie said...

Hi Polar Bear,

Thanks for visiting me and your kind comment. It is not easy living with mental illness but thank God for giving me grace and strength. It is courageous of you too as you go through your journey with BPD. Wish you all the best too!

susan said...

the same ghosts haunt me.

I think they haunt all us creative types.


Hang in there.