Thursday, August 21, 2008

One step closer

A couple of weeks ago, my borderline tendencies got the better of me and a situation escalated to a point where I almost killed myself and almost got myself admitted to the loony bin again.

It was resolved over several phone calls and a meeting with V.

I'll admit it, I was difficult, and I was aware I was difficult, but when everything exploded in my face, I broke down and cried. I was almost certain V was going to terminate our relationship based on my bad behaviour. It became like a deja-vu. Somehow I knew I'd gotten myself into bad trouble (how, I'm never really sure, but I did know people were angry and upset with me) and was only expecting to be punished somehow by being abandoned. People turning their backs on me - happens so much to me, it felt devastating, but I also knew there wasn't anything I could do in the face of it.

But V didn't abandon me. we talked about it. I made an effort. I came around, and V said she was impressed and proud of the way I'd dealt with the fallout. She didn't just blame me entirely for the incident - she said there were probably other ways she could have reacted, but we all did the best we could at the time, and we could still do better.

Sometimes it's so hard for me to understand why V would care about me. But she said she did. Several times, so it would stick.

I'm not proud of the way I reacted either. But I did try to make it up when I was made aware of the effect my behaviour was having on people.

9 comments:

Aqua said...

You dealt so well with this situation. I am glad you are okay.
...aqua

susan said...

Polar bear,

IU am glad you are OK now, and have someone in your life who cares for you and understand.

Wandering Coyote said...

I'm glad things were resolved with V. I once did something really terrible while in hospital (perhaps I'll blog about it one day) and I felt horrible about it, but the learning afterwards was the important thing that came out of it. And, I was able to process what I did and gain some perspective.

Most therapists know not to take things personally, or at least should know. It sounds to me like V validated you and your relationship, and that she knows her boundaries while still giving you what you need. That is the foundation of a great therapeutic relationship.

Rylah/Jacqui said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rylah/Jacqui said...

Ugh, my comment dissapeared then changed itself. Bloody blogger - sorry!
I just wanted to say you did really well, and you should be proud of yourself. It's a huge thing.
*hugs*

Anonymous Drifter said...

You should feel proud of the way you eventually handled this situation. Don't be so hard on yourself.

mandy lifeboats appeal said...

Hi Polar Bear

Glad to read that you have been more upbeat. You certainly seem it from your writing and that things are better between you and V.

Hope you continue to feel pozzie

:>)

Polar Bear said...

Aqua,
Thanks.

Susan,
Yes, it is nice to have someone who understands. I really have no one else outside of therapy.

WC,
I agree that the learning is important. I think V once said that because borderlines come from such dysfunctional families and background, they are not skilled in relationships, and DBT is all about teaching us the skills.

Rylah/Jac
Thanks :)

AD,
I'll try not to be too hard on myself. Hard tho, isnt it?

Mandy,
Thanks. I hope so too.

Stephany said...

You're doing a great job working through things.I'm glad you are here.