Wednesday, August 06, 2008


If only it was easy to put away our addictions and live our lives, embrace what we have today and stop our worries for tomorrow. But more often we choke, and we poison ourselves in a bid to escape our own minds which has turned against us and seem to wage some kind of godforsaken war where no one emerges unscathed.

If I didn't have to live tomorrow I would be so much braver. I could promise you that much, at least, if you would only give me oblivion.

You know I would do anything for you and yet you ask me to relinquish my battle plan, to give away my secrets as if they were worth nothing at all when it means so very much to me.

What would you do but watch me as the cancer spreads from my heart to my kidneys to my liver to my lungs. Would you but watch me in such agony without relief, without even gentle words to soothe the wounds.


mandy lifeboats appeal said...

Hi Polar Bear

You are not unbrave. Well, not what I know of you and from knowing others who suffer arduous and continual mental and emotional problems.

I feel the same some times about if I only had today to live it would be better. Because decisions I make about living in the here and now would be different to longer term decisions..and that burden of responsiblity for living longer with my illness wouldn't exist..and anyway long term decisions tend to go down the pan due to erratic nature of my illness. I can say one thing, and believe it and the next day...even later in same has changed.

To not to have to be at the mercy of illness would be brilliant. Sure some will say a person makes a decision about whether illness dominates them or not. I say that only goes so far or goes round in circles.

Anyway am rambling because your post has made me think. That can hurt alot too.

Hope you see how brave you are. Not just to 'survive' feeling how you do but in sharing that.

Keep hanging on in there and sharing when you can and want to :>)

Anonymous Drifter said...

I can relate so well to this post. You certainly are brave because you're here today sharing your story.