Wednesday, October 01, 2008

The 7 week sentence

She spoke softly, gently, as if trying to pacify a rabid dog.

"This year I'm going away for 7 weeks", she then announced.

I felt as though I had been hit side-on by a ten ton concrete slab. The blow took my breath away. I struggled to recover, closing my eyes for a brief moment as I sat there dazed from the pain that suddenly flooded into every part of my body. When I opened my eyes again, the world appeared hollow and dimmed, as if light was filtered through a yellow fog.

I felt panic start to creep in. My heart ached. I fought back tears. Anger, or maybe it was fear, slowly stirred from the depths of where such things are born. The turmoil of emotions was ripping me apart. My mind was screaming at me to shut down, the high pitch screeching of the warning alarm was just about to burst my ear drums.

As I battled my raging demons, she continued speaking to me soothingly. I wanted to jump out of my seat and scream at her. I wanted to slump further into my seat and cry a torrent of tears. But I did neither. Instead I tried to grow my face into a stony mask, and I tried to hide behind the veneer of stoicism. But I don't think I was terribly successful in doing that. She saw through me like a person could see through a piece of film against a bright light.

7 weeks is nothing, for someone who will get to spend all that time with loved ones. But 7 weeks is an eternity for someone sentenced to solitary confinement.


Wandering Coyote said...

I'm guessing V is going away for a while? Hm. My therapist did that this summer, but I had some back-up in the social worker, L. Is there not a back-up in your case?

Polar Bear said...

Yes, I do have a key worker/case manager who will be around, but I'm not as attached to her as I am to V.

V said that she will arrange for someone on the DBT consult team to be available for skills coaching, but via phone only as she does not think it will be good for me to attach myself to a "replacement" while she is away. I tend to agree with that.

Immi said...

Feeling alone stinks. I hope the 7 weeks passes as quickly for you as possible.

Hopeful Happiness said...

I also hope the 7 weeks passes by very quickly :) Sending love your way ♥

Also thank you so much for stopping by my blog. I put you on my favorites link so I can find you faster!

Suzanne said...

hello there :-)

I think it's brilliant that she saw through your mask and got to the core of the issue. :-) She *is* good!

Also, I know you won't want to open up to the stand-in case worker but it is nice to know that you get to chat to someone for an hour a week or whatever.

I think it was two years ago that G left me for a month to come travel in your neck of the woods - I don't always open up to Monique, but I like knowing she's there to listen to me...

You're stronger than you've ever been and she's giving you notice so letting you get used to the idea.

Tamara said...

This is something I have always had trouble understanding. I know that everyone needs and deserves a vacation. But, a therapist taking that much time at once just does not seem responsible and right. Someone in the regular workforce could not do that. A doctor wouldn't/couldn't even do that!

I understand she is leaving you with an alternative and that helps. I also understand that the alternative just is not the same thing as the therapist that you feel safe with.

Best of luck to you and I hope the 7 weeks passes quickly and uneventfully!