Last week I made somewhat of a knee jerk reaction to V going away for 7 weeks. I decided I had to go away too. Preferably leave the country. Where could I go? It was to my parents, or my brother's. Eee-ny-mee-ny-mi-nee-mo. Hmmm.... No brainer. I'm off to San Francisco to spend 3 weeks with my brother in December, early January 2009. My big brother, whom I haven't seen in over 5 years.
I called V, to check that this was not an impulsive knee jerk reaction. Well, it is, but she saw nothing wrong with it. She asked a few key questions, then reassured me this decision is not something I need to agonise too much over. Fair enough. Now I have a plane ticket to SF in December!
I felt, and still feel, I guess, that this is just a typical reaction on my part. Can't cope? Why, just run-away!
I told V - I wish I could stay here those 7 weeks, and not let it bother me at all. I don't remember exactly what she said, but she reassured me it's OK.
Our session yesterday didn't go so well. My mind fell apart halfway through the session - I could almost hear it creaking as it leaned over and fell over with a giant crash. We weren't even talking about the 7 week holiday - we were talking about signing a new contract for another year. I think she said something innocuous, like why do I want to sign it, and how would I convince HER to sign it. With that, of course I took to mean (yay, hello borderline!!) that she DIDN'T want to sign it. And the session deteriorated.
She made me call her later in the afternoon, which I did. It felt like she tried hard to reassure me she wasn't using that as an excuse to stop therapy with me, not at all (it's amazing how she picks up on my fear of this, even without me spelling it out - am I THAT obvious?). She said she did want me to think about why I would sign the contract, and sometimes it's easier to consolidate ideas when you have to convince someone to do something - something like that anyway. She said if I couldn't come up with reasons on my own, then we could work on that together. Her saying that really de-escalated me.
Last night I spent some time drawing up an illustration to explain why I need to sign the contract, and why I want V to sign it with me. I'll post that here tomorrow.