Friday, October 31, 2008

Requiem

The funeral is tomorrow. It'll be the first funeral I've been to since my grandmother died when I was 17 (back in 1990). It'll be hard to go, but I'm determined to be there. Work has organised a bus to transport all of us. I think it'll be very sad to see her family there - her mother, especially, who travelled from too far away and missed her daughter by 2 days.

I didn't think I really wanted to talk about it in therapy, but I brought it up and found I couldn't stop talking about her.

V asked me if her death affected my thinking on my own life. I think it does. On the one hand, I think about how fragile life can be - how something like this can strike someone, anyone, so unexpectedly, how someone can be here one moment and then the next they're gone. It makes me want to live my life better - to have my priorities right. But on the other hand, I also think - how unfair it is that something like this happens to someone like EH, and how, the world would be so much better off if she lived and I died instead. See, she WANTED to live. Suicide was never something she ever considered. Even when I saw how ill she was, she seemed determined to beat the odds. When given such a poor prognosis, she didn't just turn inwards and ask to be let go as peacefully as possible. So to me, she deserved to live more than me. She would have wanted to, more than me.

I don't know. My head's not in the right place, I think. The last week has been rough. I hope I can comfort her family tomorrow, even just a little bit.

4 comments:

Hannah said...

I'm sure the presence of so many work colleagues will be comfort enough.
A work coleague of mine died at only 18 years old, it was a sad funeral and all of us attended from work, I believe this showed his family how loved and respected he was by his peers.
We spend such a large portion of our lives at work and our colleagues can almost become a second family to us.

Handsome B. Wonderful said...

Hugs.

Suzanne said...

I don't think it is that we WANT to die, I think we just get so lost & confused we don't know any other way out.

When I had my big car crash I'd been suicidal... but pinned to the front of that truck it was just "No, not like this!". I didn't want to die when push came to shove.

Aqua said...

HUGS Polar Bear. I am so sorry to hear of your friends passing away. I am certain the family will be comforted by your presence. I know when my Mom passed away her previous co-workers comforted me by their presence.