Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Sometimes I have to work harder because I am an idiot

I have 2 more sessions with V before she goes away for 7 weeks. It's hard for me to comprehend that large chunk of time without her, even though I have been shifting back and forth between extreme neediness/clinginess and a "I-don't-give-a-damn" attitute. It's exhausting, trying to keep up with where I'm at from one moment to the next.

If I can manage to get through till Boxing Day, then I am off to San Fran to visit my brother and hopefully the 3 weeks I spend there (running away/hiding from life) will be somewhat of a distraction.

Work has been busy in the recent weeks. There were a few days there when I felt totally overwhelmed. The workload is not unreasonable, but my inability to focus and concentrate caused things to pile up, and the higher the pile gets, the more anxious and distressed I become, thus becoming a never-ending vicious circle.

Yesterday I discussed with V about how I've been worrying about some hidden messages in her words to me last week, and how my sleep had been affected to the point that I resorted to Zopiclone over the weekend. She managed to put me at ease, but then I ended up feeling like a twat because suddenly I could see how I was just being paranoid, and V would never secretly hide messages in her words to me. She pointed out how she had a good track record and had never before deceived me in any way at all. It's true, I had to concede that.

Still, I worry about missing her when she's gone. And I doubt she will have any such feelings for me (not because she is a bad person, but just because I'm not that important in her life). I think that's the hardest thing to have to live with.


Anonymous said...

Don't feel like a twat for saying how you feel, it's really important that you do say, rather than worry, then you can work through it. Like they say about gameshow questions - "it's only easy if you know the answer"

You've been through a rough time, and V is your support network, so it's ok to feel tense about her not being around. You will be ok though, and she will be back after those 7 weeks.I know it seems like a lifetime now, but you will be OK.
Hang in there
Lola x

ThePurpleOwl said...

You are *not* an idiot.

Worrying about V being away and how you will cope is not idiotic. In fact, I think - given that, as Lola says, she is your support - it would be stranger if you weren't worried.

Not an idiot - got that? I hope so.

And I have no doubt that V knows you're worried about her absence and cares about how it will affect you - if that wasn't the case, she wouldn't spend this time helping to prepare you for it. I *do* think 7 weeks is a long time to be absent for someone in her position, but no doubt she has her reasons.

Hugs from me too.

x Owl

Kat said...

I'd just like to echo what Lola and Owl said (but in a much less eloquent way), the way you're feeling is totally understandable, try not to berate yourself for it but accept it instead (easier said than done, I know). I guarantee you that while V's away, she'll be thinking of you and wondering how you're doing.

In the meantime, hopefully the trip will take your mind off things. Between work and preparing for San Fran and then actually being there and coming home, with any luck the weeks will fly by. It's awful how sometimes life feels like an endurance test, isn't it?



Aqua said...

PB: I see so much of me in this post. I want to be important to Dr. X too, but get the one therapist vs. a whole bunch of patienst plus a life scenario pdocs and therapists are faced with. It is disappointing to feel the person who is most important to you doesn't need you like you need them.(I'm speaking for myself...but I think you get it). It is a natural feeling when in therapy.

Don't sell yourself short. Your plan to go to San Fran and visit your brother for three weeks was a powerful, and briliant strategy to take care of yourself. You are not "avoiding" you are successfully facing a challenge face on.

I will be here for the 7 weeks V is gone...e-mail me anytime. When you are in San Fran. we will be in the same time zone!!!

Border Life said...

I think it's great that your are going to SF concurrent with V being gone! Do you have some strategies for how to cope during that time period? What might go wrong? And what might you do about it? That sort of thing? It's fabuluous that you brought up your concerns about hidden messages with V, neither of you would want those thoughts to interfere with your relationship or therapy, I think you were very wise and showed courage to do so! And, damnit, you are not an idiot! <3 BL

Suzanne said...

I think she will think about you. Therapists don't take on too many borderline cases and you are a large part of her work - and she's in a "caring" profession. I bet when you go to SF you think about your projects too.

PS you're not an idiot - but she's right - she hasn't deceived you. Damn that logic and its application! ;-)

PPS your word verification is "whorog" which is making me giggle!

Wandering Coyote said...

I think I mentioned this in a previous post about V leaving, but it's going to be so important for you to get a back-up system in place before she left. I know it won't be the same, but it'll be better than nothing.

I think it's so excellent that you're going to SF for a while to get away! I hope you're looking forward to it - as you should!

Polar Bear said...

Yes, it seems a lifetime... I hope it will be ok too.

Not an idiot. Right. I think I got it. Not an idiot. Thanks!!

Yup - it sure is an endurance test. I'm better at physical endurance than mental endurance though.

Thanks for pointing out that it's a natural feeling in therapy. I feel like such a freak sometimes.

@Border Life
I think those are good questions. It'll be good to talk to V about them the next time I see her. Thanks for saying I'm not an idiot.

Sometimes those word verifications make me laugh too!

Yes, thanks for the reminder. I will have to ask V about getting the contact details of someone whom I can call if I need to.

Suzanne said...

I had therapy yesterday, G is just back from SF and he said he found the number of homeless people eating out of garbage cans very disturbing. It upset him greatly because he said in any other "western" country they'd be in the mental health system. Just a little warning for you.

Btw, I've forwarded the polar bear stuff to your gmail. :-)

Immi said...

You are not an idiot. I second or seventh or whatever it is that. You'll get by those 7 weeks and she'll be back. But it's totally normal to have feelings about that.

Polar Bear said...

Yes, I remember the homeless when I lived in Toronto. Infact for a very brief period, I was on the streets too.

I love San Fran, but yes, there are a lot of homeless people there too. In fact all big american and canadian cities have huge populations of the homeless.

It's very different from where I live now. We don;t have nearly as many homeless people on our streets, thanks, I think in part to a very strong welfare system.

So yes, it can be a shock when I go back to SF.

Thanks, immi. I do hope it will go quickly.

Thank you so much for all your support. I really do appreciate it.

butterflies said... will probably go to SF,forget all about V and never want to come back here!
A change of countries is a wonderful thing:)

Nathan Hawks said...

While I'm sure there's a degree of detachment, I'm sure V will think of you while she's gone. She just has to separate herself occasionally in order to keep balanced. I'm sure you've been the listener and "sounding board" enough to know it can be tiring... that's her whole career :)

She sounds very cool though, helping you deal with the bit of paranoia. I would just be glad you got it off your chest if I was you.

But that's just me.

OK Also! You have been tagged. Enjoy the 30 minutes of distraction via the instructions on my blog :)

Raspberry said...

No wise words, just *hugs*

Take care - and never be ashamed or embarassed of how you feel. Your being true to yourself and others, including V, andf thats huge.

Peace and love

Rasp xXx