I have 2 more sessions with V before she goes away for 7 weeks. It's hard for me to comprehend that large chunk of time without her, even though I have been shifting back and forth between extreme neediness/clinginess and a "I-don't-give-a-damn" attitute. It's exhausting, trying to keep up with where I'm at from one moment to the next.
If I can manage to get through till Boxing Day, then I am off to San Fran to visit my brother and hopefully the 3 weeks I spend there (running away/hiding from life) will be somewhat of a distraction.
Work has been busy in the recent weeks. There were a few days there when I felt totally overwhelmed. The workload is not unreasonable, but my inability to focus and concentrate caused things to pile up, and the higher the pile gets, the more anxious and distressed I become, thus becoming a never-ending vicious circle.
Yesterday I discussed with V about how I've been worrying about some hidden messages in her words to me last week, and how my sleep had been affected to the point that I resorted to Zopiclone over the weekend. She managed to put me at ease, but then I ended up feeling like a twat because suddenly I could see how I was just being paranoid, and V would never secretly hide messages in her words to me. She pointed out how she had a good track record and had never before deceived me in any way at all. It's true, I had to concede that.
Still, I worry about missing her when she's gone. And I doubt she will have any such feelings for me (not because she is a bad person, but just because I'm not that important in her life). I think that's the hardest thing to have to live with.