Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Walking away

The door closes behind me, and suddenly the world takes on a darker tinge. Despair fills in on all sides, like water filling a bottle. There is only so much space, only so much air before it all runs out. Time begins its downward count. My heart beats painfully in rhythm with it.

There is something about the closing of a door, THAT door, in particular. It fills me with dread. There are connotations of abandonment, suggestions of changes and inaccesibility which I find difficult to live with. It is like the sealing of a tomb, a mark of certain permanence of being alone, forever alone. An aloneness that stretches into infinity. How could anyone not despair?

8 comments:

Nathan Hawks said...

Warning: I am an atheist.

I expect that there is continued experience after death. I have many many many many reasons why I agree with that belief, for example:

... having a tiny bit of faith in those occasionals when humans have near-universal beliefs

... nothing created nor destroyed

... etc.

We all carry, inside of us, a near-real idea of the people we will miss the most. Even when they're alive, we can 'read their minds' often enough because we know them so well.

It's really sad that you've suffered this separation. Really really really sad. I'm sad for you too.

But you, and, I think, quite possibly also the one who's died... will go on. And, quite possibly, will be okay.

Dano MacNamarrah said...

I am so sorry for your terrible loss. But so happy I found you.

I'm Manic Depressive, with a primary diagnoses of Bipolar II Disorder. I like Polar bears, so I prefer the Manic Depressive label. Also, being a large woman in comfortable shoes, a lot of people assume that I am my best friend's lover.

I lover her, but I'm 99.9% hetro. So the Bi bit doesn't work for me so much.

No need to reciprocate, but I'm adding your link to my blog. Mostly because I'm lazy, so it's easier to check out blogs I admire from my own.

I have seen a couple of ghosts. So, there is something to be said with Nathan's final comment.

Lola Snow said...

"Despair fills in on all sides, like water filling a bottle"

Very, VERY, well put.

Lola x

Aqua said...

I am here with you Polar Bear...so you are not entirely alone...I am at least a bubble of air in your water filled bottle. (You know how you can never seem to get that last bubble out...that's me;>)
...aqua

Immi said...

Beautifully put, though crushingly painful. Sending thoughts of sympathy and wishes for healing and more.

Border Life said...

The imagery is hanging in the air... so sad.

Like a bird singing in the rain, let grateful memories survive in time of sorrow. Robert Louis Stevenson

<3BL

Tamara said...

Thinking of you and sending warm thoughts and hugs.

Raspberry said...

Your words are so powerful.

Thinking of you at this difficult time.

Rasp xXx