Friday, December 26, 2008

I'm leaving too

V, I'm finally leaving too. And I'm leaving soon. I've waited so long (ever since you left) to leave too, and now the day is finally here and instead of being excited and happy, I am a nervous ball of tension.

I want to leave. I have nothing here when you aren't here. I want to forget and yet I am scared. You know how unsettled I am with unfamiliar places, unfamiliar routines - anything out of my tightly controlled comfort zone. Even though my brother isn't unfamiliar, even though I've been there 3 times before.

I'm scared, V. I can't quite place my finger on it. It feels as though I am stepping into a void this time. Any moment now the ground will disappear beneath me, and I will place my foot into thin air and I will fall...

Who's going to be there to stop me from falling, now that you aren't here?

I hope you had a good Christmas, V. You and your family. I thought a lot about you yesterday as I spent a quiet lonely day just trying to get through it hour by hour. All the sappy christmas movies on TV were too nauseating to watch. I thought about how much you would have smiled yesterday as you opened your gifts and watched your loved ones open theirs. I saw families walking past my house, walking off their christmas puddings and christmas turkeys, and wondered how good those meals would have tasted. I didn't have any appetite to be honest, so I didn't really eat. That's ok, though. I haven't been running either. I've just been sitting in my Laz-y Boy watching the world through my windows, as if that was food enough.

I'm glad Christmas is over, V. I really do.

You'll be half way through your holidays now, V. I hope you have a great new year. I'll have your photo with me on the plane. Whenever I feel myself losing courage, I will look at it and remind myself that you still really do exist somewhere out there in the world.

13 comments:

Lola Snow said...

You are so strong PB, and you will get through this stage too. Keep going, you can do this.

Lola X

Disillusioned said...

You've done so well.
Have a good time with your brother.
Be safe.

Wandering Coyote said...

Have a safe, great trip!

Border Life said...

Ah, travel. I'm glad you have V's photo with you. Have a safe trip, you'll be in the city soon enough!

susan said...

Safe travels Polar. Have a great trip and I look forward to reading your blog again next year.....

Stephany said...

Remember, you are not alone in this world.

Stephany

butterflies said...

Hey Polar:)
By now you will be in SF with your brother..Have a wonderful time..
Looking forward to hearing all about your travels!

Aqua said...

Hi Polar Bear,
Have a great and safe trip. It is beautiful that you have V's picture with you. It is like you are taking her on a holiday. I agree with the above comments. You are strong and have done so well through a difficult time.
Hugs,
...aqua

Dano MacNamarrah said...

Polar Bear,

I know that you have it in you, as many of us do. Please take time to see how far you've come. You have continued in the absence of V, despite the challenge.

You will make it, lovie, because you have to, because you are able and because can!

Handsome B. Wonderful said...

Christmas is hard for me too. I hope that you can travel without too much turmoil. I hope the new year gives you much peace and happiness.

Even though I have family nearby I still often feel quite alone.

Border Life said...

Hope you landed in SF safe and sound!

Jo said...

Hey, we'll finally be on the same continent! If you're ever in my neck of the woods, please let me know. I want to meet up. If I'm ever in San Fran, I will definitely contact you. What a big step and just like you adjusted to life in New Zealand, I'm sure you will also adjust well in San Fran. Good for you, Polar Bear.

Lola Snow said...

Just a quick comment to say Happy New Year and the blogosphere misses you and hopes you are having a good time.

Lola x