V, I'm finally leaving too. And I'm leaving soon. I've waited so long (ever since you left) to leave too, and now the day is finally here and instead of being excited and happy, I am a nervous ball of tension.
I want to leave. I have nothing here when you aren't here. I want to forget and yet I am scared. You know how unsettled I am with unfamiliar places, unfamiliar routines - anything out of my tightly controlled comfort zone. Even though my brother isn't unfamiliar, even though I've been there 3 times before.
I'm scared, V. I can't quite place my finger on it. It feels as though I am stepping into a void this time. Any moment now the ground will disappear beneath me, and I will place my foot into thin air and I will fall...
Who's going to be there to stop me from falling, now that you aren't here?
I hope you had a good Christmas, V. You and your family. I thought a lot about you yesterday as I spent a quiet lonely day just trying to get through it hour by hour. All the sappy christmas movies on TV were too nauseating to watch. I thought about how much you would have smiled yesterday as you opened your gifts and watched your loved ones open theirs. I saw families walking past my house, walking off their christmas puddings and christmas turkeys, and wondered how good those meals would have tasted. I didn't have any appetite to be honest, so I didn't really eat. That's ok, though. I haven't been running either. I've just been sitting in my Laz-y Boy watching the world through my windows, as if that was food enough.
I'm glad Christmas is over, V. I really do.
You'll be half way through your holidays now, V. I hope you have a great new year. I'll have your photo with me on the plane. Whenever I feel myself losing courage, I will look at it and remind myself that you still really do exist somewhere out there in the world.