Monday, December 15, 2008

Languish

This is the last full week of work for the year. I should be soaring with the last burst of energy, the kind of energy you get when you see the finish line just ahead and you push past the pain knowing it will all soon be over.

Instead I am languishing at the back of the pack, plodding along, losing steam with every step, losing heart and losing mind (slightly).

I'm not completely shirking my responsibilities, but everything I do seems to be gap fillers, well short of my best. My anxiety and agitation revolves around waiting... though waiting for what, I don't really know. Perhaps it's merely the method of making it past the next minute, and then the next hour.

I still have V's photo smiling at me. I can still feel that sense of connectedness when I look closely into her eyes, but each day it gets further and further away, as if I am drifting into the vastness of the sea and every time I look back, the edges become more faded and blurry, and I worry that in time, even her smile will fade, her face will fade and I won't remember anymore.

8 comments:

Wandering Coyote said...

She will be back before you'll ever forget her - trust me!

Stephany said...

you won't forget.

Clueless said...

Okay, so I will be different. For me, it is like trying to grab hold of a cloud. It is there, but you can't grab it. Just because you can't hold it doesn't mean it isn't there.

It is also like in my mind I have to my my therapist "disappear" and I lose that sense of groundedness that all is going to be okay in my world. For me, it increases as it gets closer to my therapist's return.

Somehow, defensively because I'm not supposed to be happy, I'm not supposed to need, I'm not supposed to miss and I'm angry that you went away in the first place.

Yet, I feel guilty because you left me all these momentos to help me through and they were helpful...kinda like a kid anticipating a parent's return.

Two things above all else. You have learned that she is there for you and you can't forget her. And two, you are a lot stronger than you thought.

Take care,
*hugs*

CC

Suzanne said...

You have a SUPER-COOL holiday coming up - do NOT forget your driving license because I'm hearing that the skiing up at Lake Tahoe is brilliant right now - feet deep powder and I know you like skiing. xx

Why don't you make it a task that YOU sent V a card from your holiday?

Aqua said...

I really liked Suzanne's idea of sending a card to V for X-mas. It is a connection without seeing her. You will soon be in San Franscisco and so busy these moments will lessen. Skiing at Lake Tahoe sounds like a freat idea...or you coul;d come to Vancouver and ski at Whistler...it is some of the best skiing in the world and a two or three hour flight from SF.
Thinking of you and sensinf tons of hugs your way.
...aqua

Lola Snow said...

{{{Hugs}}} matey. She will be back soon, I know it seems like forever, but it will pass. Thinking of you,

Lola x

Polar Bear said...

@WC
I know I won't forget her. It's just hard to hold the feeling right now that she cares for me.

@Stephany
Ditto above :)

@Clueless
Yes, I think what you're talking about is an insecure attachment. I can definately relate.

@Suzanne
My bro and his family will be up at Tahoe the week before I arrive. He asked me if I wanted to go with them, but I decided not to. Cost and all. Though it would have been fun.
I think the card is a good idea too. I'll have a good think about it.

@Aqua
Whistler... I've always wanted to visit Whistler. My brother was up there this past summer.

Polar Bear said...

@lola
Thanks, Lola. Yeah it does seem like forever.