V, I miss you. I looked at your photo last night and I cried. I wanted to know how you are, what you were doing right then. I wanted to ask if you still cared.
I wanted to tell you about my day, how rough it has been in the last couple of weeks since you've been gone. I wanted to tell you work's been stressful and I'm barely managing. I wanted to tell you about how S (case manager/CPN) has been away for weeks and won't be back at work for another week and how angry I am that she had the gall to break her ribs just when you are away and I needed her support. I wanted to tell you CMHT gave me a month's worth of Zopiclone and then left me to it pretty much.
I wanted to tell you about how a colleague has slipped her disc and will now be off work for the next month or more and I will have to pick up a lot of her work as if I don't already have enough to do.
I wanted to tell you my brain has been buzzing and broken words has filtered into my mind in the middle of the night and I am frightened.
I wanted to tell you it feels as though the world is conspiring against me, bringing me down one move at a time, as if testing to see at which level I would finally break. It wouldn't take much more.
I wanted to tell you I'm tired. I'm tired of people calling me on the phone at work wanting this and wanting that and I find it hard to understand or make sense of how I am going to make things work. The buzzing is constant and I can't seem to turn it off. I have responsibilities, and I am falling so far short of it that I am ashamed. Ashamed of myself.
I wanted to tell you that even though I am going to be with my brother in San Francisco and I will be safe, I don't feel as though I am up to making the trip. I have so many perfectly stupid worries about missing my flights, losing my luggage, having to sit next to a screaming kid on the long haul. Then, there are the other fears - I am afraid of losing my mind, of having drugs planted in my bags, of being targeted by immigration and the government.
Most of all, perhaps the worst of it all is that ever-present hard to explain fear, and that infernal buzzing. I know that if you were here, you would reassure me, tell me I am safe, and I would believe you. So where are you now?