Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Left behind

V, I miss you. I looked at your photo last night and I cried. I wanted to know how you are, what you were doing right then. I wanted to ask if you still cared.

I wanted to tell you about my day, how rough it has been in the last couple of weeks since you've been gone. I wanted to tell you work's been stressful and I'm barely managing. I wanted to tell you about how S (case manager/CPN) has been away for weeks and won't be back at work for another week and how angry I am that she had the gall to break her ribs just when you are away and I needed her support. I wanted to tell you CMHT gave me a month's worth of Zopiclone and then left me to it pretty much.

I wanted to tell you about how a colleague has slipped her disc and will now be off work for the next month or more and I will have to pick up a lot of her work as if I don't already have enough to do.

I wanted to tell you my brain has been buzzing and broken words has filtered into my mind in the middle of the night and I am frightened.

I wanted to tell you it feels as though the world is conspiring against me, bringing me down one move at a time, as if testing to see at which level I would finally break. It wouldn't take much more.

I wanted to tell you I'm tired. I'm tired of people calling me on the phone at work wanting this and wanting that and I find it hard to understand or make sense of how I am going to make things work. The buzzing is constant and I can't seem to turn it off. I have responsibilities, and I am falling so far short of it that I am ashamed. Ashamed of myself.

I wanted to tell you that even though I am going to be with my brother in San Francisco and I will be safe, I don't feel as though I am up to making the trip. I have so many perfectly stupid worries about missing my flights, losing my luggage, having to sit next to a screaming kid on the long haul. Then, there are the other fears - I am afraid of losing my mind, of having drugs planted in my bags, of being targeted by immigration and the government.

Most of all, perhaps the worst of it all is that ever-present hard to explain fear, and that infernal buzzing. I know that if you were here, you would reassure me, tell me I am safe, and I would believe you. So where are you now?


Clueless said...

Polar Bear, That was beautiful in its honesty and I so wish someone could tell you all those things and make the world right again, but I know that it has to come from her. But the good thing is that it is coming from, you. I don't know if this helps, but I used to have...okay...still do have similar thoughts and feelings that become worse as my therapist return gets closer. Hang in there and take care of yourself. Have a great time with your family in my favorite quick vacation, SF.

Be Well,

Border Life said...

Oh PB, I'm sorry things have been rough.

I often feel the same way at work, that I'm falling behind and not completing responsibilities, or that I'm not capable of completing them. It is a shameful feeling. I'm sorry you experience it. I'm confident that you will do well and YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS.

I think it's wonderful you articulated your concerns-- it's very clear and cohesive. You are holding it together. Keep going... V will be back. She cares.

Anonymous said...

This is a really sad post PB, and I'm sorry things are so bad for you right now. It must be very hard to want just one person so much, and not be able to speak to them yet.

But you are a strong person, and I'll echo BL, you will get through this, no matter how hard it seems right now. One thing at a time PB, and you'll see V again. She is coming back, just a little bit longer now. Take Care, I'm thinking of you.

Lola x

Dano MacNamarrah said...

Listen to me sweetie,

You have absolutely no reason to feel ashamed. Your co-worker is unable to work because of her ribs? You are working, despite the fact that you are suffering so terribly.

So, give yourself a break! Your mental state is no more shameful than broken bones. That said, I worry about the buzzing.

It could be an ear-infection, the medication, or a sign that you need to relax a little. I hope that you can take care of it soon, as well as yourself.

colouredmind said...

The honesty in this post was wonderful. I have read your blog for quite a while and have always felt to scared to comment, but here I am, another lurker. I am sorry that your CMHT are not being helpful at the moment, and hope that things improve for you, Hannah X

butterflies said...

Dont worry about the airports..I get lost all the time!
Arent yu getting a direct flight??

Aqua said...

Hi Polar Bear,
Your blog is a good outlet for saying all those things you want to say to V. Keep writing and we will help you through all this.

As for the airport...I have almost a phobia of the airports (not flying)..and going into the states is really a phobic trigger for me. I always seem to be the one to get pulled out of the line...but guess what, every time that's happened it's been fine and the people have been okay too.

I sure hope the weather warms up along the coast before you come. It is soo cold in Vancouver today that our pipes froze and in the house, with the heat cranked I cannot get warm.
Thinking of you,

Anonymous said...

It seems so long since your last post, just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you.

Lola x

Polar Bear said...

Thanks. I hope you have a good Xmas too.

Thanks for your continued support.

Yeah, intelelctually I know she is coming back. Emotionally, it feels like she isn't. Pretty twisted huh?

Thanks for reminding me that yes, I am experiencing pain and yes, I am working despite it. That's not so shameful after all.

@Hannah (ColoredMind)
Thanks for lurking :)

Not entirely direct. Direct from Auckland to SF would have been more expensive, so I'm flying via LA.

Yes, I've heard it's pretty cold there right now. My brother in fact is going skiing the week before I arrive.

I'm hanging in there, Lola. I'll update real soon. Promise.

Immi said...

I'm so sorry you've been having a hard time PB. I do hope you have a good trip, though. Happy Holidays!

Anonymous said...