My case manager has been away from work for 2 weeks. I have no contact with anyone from Mental Health, now that V is gone and my case manager apparently has broken some ribs. I'll hear all about what happened, I'm sure when I see her next, but for now, I'm pretty much in the dark. I don't know if I'll get to see her before Christmas.
The duty worker who informed me that my CM was away asked if I wanted to see her. I said no, even though I could do with some support. I like her - have worked with her before when my CM was away, but I didn't want to come off sounding needy. Instead I asked her for some zopiclone - which I have PRN. My CM keeps it in the office cupboard with my name on it because apparently I can't be trusted with those kinds of meds. Now here's the interesting bit - this duty worker, when she dropped off my request for 2 zopiclones also dropped off a script that had been sitting in my file (for when I run out) for a month's supply of zopiclone, with a note attached asking me to get it filled, then drop off the supply at the mental health office. I've managed to get it filled, but haven't gotten round to dropping it off. I think I may just forget to get that done.
It's taken me a long time to get them to trust me enough to even prescribe me with zopiclone. V used to be totally against the idea. Then, when lack of sleep triggered my psychotic episodes, they decided zopiclone PRN was a reasonable treatment option. I started with a script for 2 days' worth. Then, I kicked up a fuss about having to pay the standard $15 fee for 2 days worth (when it is also $15 for up to 3 months' worth). So my CM came up with a really good solution - they would prescribe me 1 weeks' worth as long as it would be kept at the mental health office and I could get it each time by asking my CM.
After that, the pdoc wrote me 2 weeks' worth. And now - I've got one month's worth. One month's worth! I'm not planning on taking an OD. Zopiclone isn't really my drug of choice anyway. But I have to admit, there is a certain thrill to having that amount of drugs. It did cross my mind what would happen if I took it all. But I'm not suicidal. Not at the moment anyway.
I don't really have a connection with my CM. I don't miss her the way I miss V. And as for my CM's temporary "replacement", I wouldn't know what to say to her anyway. What would I say? What would it matter? Especially now that I have control over my sleeping tablets.
As usual, I seem to have relegated my emotions into the depths of the abyss and chosen to walk around with a constant numbness like a protective shield.
And if all else fails? Just sleep it off.