Tuesday, December 09, 2008

The power of sleep

My case manager has been away from work for 2 weeks. I have no contact with anyone from Mental Health, now that V is gone and my case manager apparently has broken some ribs. I'll hear all about what happened, I'm sure when I see her next, but for now, I'm pretty much in the dark. I don't know if I'll get to see her before Christmas.

The duty worker who informed me that my CM was away asked if I wanted to see her. I said no, even though I could do with some support. I like her - have worked with her before when my CM was away, but I didn't want to come off sounding needy. Instead I asked her for some zopiclone - which I have PRN. My CM keeps it in the office cupboard with my name on it because apparently I can't be trusted with those kinds of meds. Now here's the interesting bit - this duty worker, when she dropped off my request for 2 zopiclones also dropped off a script that had been sitting in my file (for when I run out) for a month's supply of zopiclone, with a note attached asking me to get it filled, then drop off the supply at the mental health office. I've managed to get it filled, but haven't gotten round to dropping it off. I think I may just forget to get that done.

It's taken me a long time to get them to trust me enough to even prescribe me with zopiclone. V used to be totally against the idea. Then, when lack of sleep triggered my psychotic episodes, they decided zopiclone PRN was a reasonable treatment option. I started with a script for 2 days' worth. Then, I kicked up a fuss about having to pay the standard $15 fee for 2 days worth (when it is also $15 for up to 3 months' worth). So my CM came up with a really good solution - they would prescribe me 1 weeks' worth as long as it would be kept at the mental health office and I could get it each time by asking my CM.

After that, the pdoc wrote me 2 weeks' worth. And now - I've got one month's worth. One month's worth! I'm not planning on taking an OD. Zopiclone isn't really my drug of choice anyway. But I have to admit, there is a certain thrill to having that amount of drugs. It did cross my mind what would happen if I took it all. But I'm not suicidal. Not at the moment anyway.

I don't really have a connection with my CM. I don't miss her the way I miss V. And as for my CM's temporary "replacement", I wouldn't know what to say to her anyway. What would I say? What would it matter? Especially now that I have control over my sleeping tablets.

As usual, I seem to have relegated my emotions into the depths of the abyss and chosen to walk around with a constant numbness like a protective shield.

And if all else fails? Just sleep it off.


eve cleveland said...

Go on and take you a nap if you want to. Just keep waking up. Every time you go to sleep, wake up for a while. It won't always be this way and you know it.I'm a friend of Dano's and I'm glad she sent me here.
Hearts and bunnies...it's gonna be ok, but maybe not today.

Wandering Coyote said...

That's an interesting system you have with your meds and keeping them at mental health. I do think it's a tad patronizing (you are an adult, after all) I can see where in some cases it would be handy. Not for me, as I live in a different city than the mental health clinic I attend.


Immi said...

Strange way to deal with rx's to me, but it could help some folks I guess. It's great you're being trusted by them and by you. Do get them out of your hair if you feel super down and suicidal though.

Border Life said...

sorry you are in the depths of the abyss / numb.

Disillusioned said...

Sorry things are tough, especially since your care coordinator is away. Please do reach out and let someone know if things get worse. Sleep is good, but like eve said, keep waking up, OK?

ThePurpleOwl said...

Sleep is a good friend sometimes, I agree with you.

I know everyone else's said it, but I'll say it again: just keep waking up, Bear.

This experience just goes to show how easily cracks can appear in 'the system', huh? I'm glad to hear that the cracks have happened when your mind is with you and not against you, but *look after yourself*, OK? x

Raspberry said...

I love sleep - but am chrinic insomniac. Been taking zopiclone regularly for about 2 years, so takes nothing short of a brick to the head to have me sleep.

Be careful though - it's v easy to become dependant on those thinks, though they are great if you just need to catch up on some zzz's.

Take care

Rasp xXx

Handsome B. Wonderful said...

The whole back and forth with meds is such a pain in the arse. I hope some day that come up with one pill that does it all but that probably won't be our luck.

By the way, since you're a fellow polar bear lover I thought you might be interesting in adopting one. ;)

Bush Blocks Polar Bear Protection.

Adopt a Polar Bear. It's a great gift idea too!!

Stephany said...

My doc has limited my benzo refills (to no refills)because he doesn't "want you feeling this way with a bunch of benzos around"; when I was sobbing about my daughter. It's good in a way, because I've been going there to talk this out more.

I guess I'm trying to say, you are not alone in this.

Aqua said...

(((Hugs))) Polar Bear,
I also find it patronizing that you need to go back and forth for sleeping pills. I am glad you took a stand and kept them. Please sleep if you want to , but also use them wisely. This is a great opportunity to show you deserve to be treated with greater respect.

I have been thinking of you everyday since V left and hoping you are well. E-mail me if you need to chat.

Polar Bear said...

@eve, WC, Immi, BorderLife, Disillusioned, PurpleOwl, Raspberry, Handsome, Stephany, Aqua,

Thank you for all your kind support and words.

Again, I am deeply overwhlemed.

It's tough going, but I'm OK. I'll update soon.

Polar B.

Anonymous said...

Hey Polar Bear

Finally catching up on your blog! I used to be on a 3 day prescription for safety measures but graduated in little steps and am now entrusted with a months supply of prozac and seroquel.

Least over here I didn't have the finance issue to stress over (bless the NHS)

I'll continue reading to see where the vast quantities of zopiclone end up . . . .


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