Some of the best memories I have about my trip to SF revolves around the times that I actually got to spend with my brother, just him and me. Those moments I still relive in my head over and over again, precious moments which I will always treasure deep inside my heart. Those moments are so rare,... too rare. It pains me to live so far away from him, and yet there is where he lives, and here is where I have my life.
That is where he lives with his family, and here is where I'm attempting to build my own life. You'd think it would be easy for me to relocate, but it's more complicated than that. Even if I wanted to, there are many reasons I can't. It's complicated, and I'd rather not go into it.
For 26 days, I got a taste of what it feels like to be part of a family. It's not all rainbows and butterflies, sure, but it felt good for the most part. I still had my baggage around relationships, but I got a taste of what it feels like to have many friends, what it feels like to go out and have fun with other people. I even got jealous of my brother's friends because they got to spend so much of their time with him and his family. But it's healthy - it's healthy for a family to open themselves up to other people - because the kids learn to socialise and become more confident around relationships and other people. This contrasts so starkly to the way we were raised.
But I've been home a couple of weeks now, and I've reverted back to my lonely, isolated life. It's back to the old party of one. I spent last weekend entirely on my own. I spoke to one person all weekend - an ex colleague whom I happened to bump into in town, for all of 5 minutes. And of course - the grocery check out lady - but that doesn't really count.
It's not so bad to be honest - I can spend large chunks of time on my own as long as I have a TV. But there is a part of me now that wonders what it would be like to have friends around me. The kind of friends my brother has. Strangely, there is also another part of me that simply craves being alone, that needs to be alone. That part of me wants to get home from work tonight and disappear into the long 3 day weekend only to emerge on Monday again. That part of me is saying I need no one. I need to be alone. It's a bit of a contradiction if there ever was one. I'm still trying to figure that one out.
The photo below still makes me laugh. Yes, that is me in a heap on the snow. It was in Yosemite National Park where we went snow-shoeing. I was backing up so my brother could take a photo of us but I ended up falling over (because of course, you DON'T try to walk backwards when you have snow shoes on). And yes, on my right, the lady in red (a friend of my brother's whom I really got to like) was pointing and laughing at me. There was another shot taken immediately after where the two of them were pulling me up.