I ended up working 4 hours yesterday (Saturday). It was good in the sense that I accomplished a few tasks I meant to and got started on others. And at least I now know that Monday will not be too overwhelming since I got through all my emails from last week. It's amazing how peaceful it is and how much you get done in the office when there is no ringing telephone or people walking into your office with one request or another.
It was also good in the sense that work was a distraction from myself. Since I got out of hospital, I've been finding it difficult to be with myself. I'm restless and fidgety. And I no longer like the long hours alone (which I used to consider a self indulgence). Maybe this is just a phase and will pass with time. I hope it does.
On Friday, V and I discussed the hospitalization and strategies for coping when The Parents get here. She suggested that we meet more regularly to talk specifically about The Mother and everything about her that irks me (and there are a great many things!) - this is supposed to be some sort of exposure therapy where the notion is that exposure to a phobia will decrease with time through desensitization.
While I am relieved to have that level of support from V, I also realise this isn't going to be easy. In fact it has the potential of being overwhelmingly painful and could take me places I really do not want to go. And almost always, talking about specific events or even how certain events have impacted on me brings on a flood of uncontrollable tears. The thing is, I don't want to cry. Not even in front of V. She tells me there's nothing wrong with crying. Nothing wrong with an emotion that lets us know something isn't quite right, or to express pain. She then told me if I remembered crying when we talked about The Mother when V visited me on the Ward. I said oh god, no - did I cry like a baby? Now the memories are slowly filtering through. When I was on the Ward, I'd cry at the drop of a hat. I was a complete mess. V then told me that after I had my fit of crying, I looked better. "More yourself", she said. Actually, I think I was so doped up that I could feel no shame.
So anyway, we begin our intensive twice weekly appointments on Monday.