Sunday, March 08, 2009

The preparation

I ended up working 4 hours yesterday (Saturday). It was good in the sense that I accomplished a few tasks I meant to and got started on others. And at least I now know that Monday will not be too overwhelming since I got through all my emails from last week. It's amazing how peaceful it is and how much you get done in the office when there is no ringing telephone or people walking into your office with one request or another.

It was also good in the sense that work was a distraction from myself. Since I got out of hospital, I've been finding it difficult to be with myself. I'm restless and fidgety. And I no longer like the long hours alone (which I used to consider a self indulgence). Maybe this is just a phase and will pass with time. I hope it does.

On Friday, V and I discussed the hospitalization and strategies for coping when The Parents get here. She suggested that we meet more regularly to talk specifically about The Mother and everything about her that irks me (and there are a great many things!) - this is supposed to be some sort of exposure therapy where the notion is that exposure to a phobia will decrease with time through desensitization.

While I am relieved to have that level of support from V, I also realise this isn't going to be easy. In fact it has the potential of being overwhelmingly painful and could take me places I really do not want to go. And almost always, talking about specific events or even how certain events have impacted on me brings on a flood of uncontrollable tears. The thing is, I don't want to cry. Not even in front of V. She tells me there's nothing wrong with crying. Nothing wrong with an emotion that lets us know something isn't quite right, or to express pain. She then told me if I remembered crying when we talked about The Mother when V visited me on the Ward. I said oh god, no - did I cry like a baby? Now the memories are slowly filtering through. When I was on the Ward, I'd cry at the drop of a hat. I was a complete mess. V then told me that after I had my fit of crying, I looked better. "More yourself", she said. Actually, I think I was so doped up that I could feel no shame.

So anyway, we begin our intensive twice weekly appointments on Monday.


butterflies said...

Crying IS cleanses the soul..
Mothers are a hassle for everyone..LOL
I love mine but still sometimes I cant stand her;)
And shes always bringing up memories from the past that I dont want to know about!

Anonymous Drifter said...

I find that work is a distraction from myself as well. When I come home my mood shifts downwards.

Wandering Coyote said...

Crying can be so cathartic, but it can also be a pain in the ass. I totally hear you.

I'm glad you're getting extra "prep" for your parents' visit. At least your mom didn't show up on your doorstep pretty much out of the blue one day like mine did with me last May.

ThePurpleOwl said...

And almost always, talking about specific events or even how certain events have impacted on me brings on a flood of uncontrollable tears. The thing is, I don't want to cry.

I have this response (have even described it in almost exactly these words) at times when it's really important for me to explain something carefully/get something across about myself and the past -- often I can hear a calm part of myself 'sitting back' my head, thinking 'Oh, great, here she goes again, now we're fucked'. It's bizarre to have no control, and to feel like it's my body reacting so violently and not 'me', if that makes sense. Anyway, all this by way of saying: I empathise and sympathise. And if you and V come up with some 'magical' crying cure, I'd love to hear about it.

Look after yourself, Bear. *hugs*

Anonymous said...

God, I'm the same with crying... it's awful. A big breakthrough came the other day when I actually let myself cry in front of Flowerman. It was so hard, and terrifying. He knew how hard it was for me, so at least he could appreciate that.
I'm glad V is spending more time with you on the mum issue too. It'll be hard, but I hope it's worth it for you. Take care.

P.S. Thank you so much for the comment on my blog. I will still be around...

Aqua said...

Polar Bear,
Crying is so good for you. I am glad V is offering you some extra support. I hope that helps. Thinking of you.

Polar Bear said...

Yeah, my mom brings up memories for me too. Bad ones usually.

Work can be a distraction. Esp when it's busy like it's been.

Thanks. Hugs.

Thanks, PurpleOwl. Hugs to you too.

Glad you had a breakthrough with Flowerman. I remember the first time I ever cried in front of my shrink. This was years back!

Thanks. :)

Anonymous said...

Thanks Polar. It was scary as hell!