Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Inconsolable

There are some things in life…. There are some things that are broken beyond repair. And no matter how much you want it, you wish it, there is nothing else that can be done. All life ends at some point in time. Things are broken – we throw them away. People die, and we cry and we grieve. Nothing gives you back what you desperately want.

Yesterday I was running on the trails with a carpet of golden leaves under my feet, soft and pretty, leaves with streaks of yellow and red and orange. I ran with tears streaming down my face, I ran with my chest choking and gasping for air. I cried as if the pain would never end, and the tears would never cease. I cried because the world had shifted and I wasn’t ready for that. I cried for all the words that I could never speak, I cried for all the old pain that has never truly gone away and are only reignited over and over and over again throughout my entire life. I cried and cried, and no one saw or heard or felt for me.

When I couldn’t run anymore, when I thought I would pass out from the lack of oxygen, I stopped by the bridge and looked at the gently flowing stream flecked with golden leaves drifting lazily upon its surface. I looked into the smooth polished mirror of the water which caught the reflection of the trees above – a brilliant symphony of colours. My chest physically ached in contemplation of such glorious beauty amidst a heart so filled with darkness and pain. How can the world be so beautiful, so amazingly stunning in all its autumn grandeur and yet be the cause of so much heartache, so much torment, so much despair?

How?

How?

7 comments:

butterflies said...

I keep making a decision to NOT cry anymore..it works most of the time.
Im so glad thar yur back to running.I think it symbolic of what is inside you.
Im tired of being lonely too.Theres a physical ache at times and I need the intimacy of having a lover but I dont want all the crap that goes with some relationships!!
I want the balance:)
Love you chick!

Immi said...

*hugs*

Anonymous Drifter said...

(((PB)))

Harriet said...

I wish I could throw myself away - I'm broken and I have no hope that I can be fixed.

Wandering Coyote said...

Juxtapositions like this are hard and confusing, aren't they? I think it's important to just recognize the beauty for what it is and not question it.

Just Be Real said...

Polar Bear your words of tears I look forward to one day! Shed those tears dear one, they are precious! Thank you for sharing. Blessings.

Sid said...

I wasn't there to feel for you in the moment, but I am doing it right now. I hear your pain, I understand your tears.

I hope that someday you're able to have a cathartic cry and let go of at least some of that pain for good. You deserve so much more from life than the world of hurt you've had to endure.

Please take care of you.