Tuesday, April 28, 2009


Are you familiar with that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach, as if the ground would drop below your feet so that you would free fall into nothingness, and you realise that that blackness is only a heart beat away and it would swallow you whole? And you know that nothing will ever be the same again? Are you familiar with that feeling of grief before you ever lost anything, but it was the anticipation of that loss that you grieve deeply and inconsolably?

Do the tears ever flood you from the back of your brain and pour out your eyes in torrents? Does your heart ever clench tightly in your chest and you can't let go and you can't take in a breath because if you do, you know that you would drown in your own tears?

Do you ever know what you can't have and yet you desperately want it, need it?

What do you do when someone hands you a life sentence? What do you do? What do you say?

How can life possibly be ok ever again?


Just Be Real said...

Polar Bear, I am right on the same page with you. Your words are so profound and true and rings in my ears, especially right where I am at on my journey. I am so very sorry for your pain also dear one.

Borderline Lil said...

My experience of BPD is that the anticipation of loss is more crippling, and more distressing, than any actual loss. I almost feel relieved when things collapse around me...it stops the worrying. Hang tough, Polar, and hugs to you xxx

Handsome B. Wonderful said...

I wish I could cry--I feel so numbed out by the meds.

butterflies said...

Its not the SAME again but it does somehow become bearable..at times..