I've been under some pressure at work and last Friday after a bad day at the office I simply wanted to quit. I'm not sure I know what I'm doing anymore. Sometimes it all seems so pointless.
It's strange because only a couple weeks ago I had felt things at work were going OK, that I was managing OK. And now all I want to do is run away screaming. I'm angry and frustrated and not at all sure that I'm doing a good job anymore.
I've applied for that other job, but the closing date is a month away, so I won't know if I'm shortlisted for another month. And suddenly there is a lot more at stake here. Another stress and worry which I don't need.
Last week I must have injured my foot running down a hill. It felt a bit sore after the run and it wasn't until a few days later that I noticed a hard lump at the top of my foot above the metatarsal. It doesn't hurt too much when I'm actually running, so I'm still doing that - but it hurts right after a run. I know I should probably rest it, but running is the only thing that keeps me sane, so I need to keep doing it.
V and I signed a new DBT contract for another year. And I'm scared to death of the next phase of treatment. I also feel as though I'm running out of time and it won't be long before we discover that where it counts the most, there is nothing that can be done to change that. Where will that leave me then?
I know this is a terrible thing to be thinking about, but I'm secretly hoping that lump in my foot is a tumour. Maybe it will spread. Maybe I will be given 5 weeks to live. Then everything will suddenly be resolved. I will be OK with that. I'm so tired of life. I'm so tired of fighting. I'm so tired of being alone. I'm scared to death of losing V. I'm just so very scared of life.