Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Beating my head against the wall

I've been under some pressure at work and last Friday after a bad day at the office I simply wanted to quit. I'm not sure I know what I'm doing anymore. Sometimes it all seems so pointless.

It's strange because only a couple weeks ago I had felt things at work were going OK, that I was managing OK. And now all I want to do is run away screaming. I'm angry and frustrated and not at all sure that I'm doing a good job anymore.

I've applied for that other job, but the closing date is a month away, so I won't know if I'm shortlisted for another month. And suddenly there is a lot more at stake here. Another stress and worry which I don't need.

Last week I must have injured my foot running down a hill. It felt a bit sore after the run and it wasn't until a few days later that I noticed a hard lump at the top of my foot above the metatarsal. It doesn't hurt too much when I'm actually running, so I'm still doing that - but it hurts right after a run. I know I should probably rest it, but running is the only thing that keeps me sane, so I need to keep doing it.

V and I signed a new DBT contract for another year. And I'm scared to death of the next phase of treatment. I also feel as though I'm running out of time and it won't be long before we discover that where it counts the most, there is nothing that can be done to change that. Where will that leave me then?

I know this is a terrible thing to be thinking about, but I'm secretly hoping that lump in my foot is a tumour. Maybe it will spread. Maybe I will be given 5 weeks to live. Then everything will suddenly be resolved. I will be OK with that. I'm so tired of life. I'm so tired of fighting. I'm so tired of being alone. I'm scared to death of losing V. I'm just so very scared of life.

8 comments:

Anonymous Drifter said...

I'm scared of life too PB, it's not easy. You should get that lump on top of your foot checked into if it doesn't stop bothering you. Could it be from sneakers tied too tight? Just a thought.

Wandering Coyote said...

First of all, yeah, get the foot checked out for sure.

I'm sick of fighting, too. Really sick. And I just got dumped by my pdoc today so I'm doubly sick.

When I was at my last job, I used to pray I'd get cancer, too, so I'd have a reason to not just quit the job but quit life. I've been there.

Stay strong, PB. Thinking about you.

Harriet said...

It's not terrible to think about, I've thought about it too. Maybe I'll get cancer and die.

But it's not a great way to die. It probably wouldn't be five weeks.

There are better ways to die. And don't forget - there are ways to change your life so that dying isn't an option anymore.

J said...

i've felt that way too, about cancer. i know it's horrible to admit it, but i think of it too.

sometimes i think that if i had something physically wrong, it would be better. i'd feel justified for being so messed up.

unfortunately, that's not how it works.

good luck with the job application. i hope whatever happens turns out to be the right thing for you. that's all we can ask.

thinking of you (and always reading, even if i don't comment)

Suzanne said...

I too thought it would be awful leaving my therapist - 18 months ago I could not imagine what I'd do without someone to turn to. Funny thing is I don't even think about him anymore really, I have an appointment in June (3 month check-up). V isn't just going to dump you - you'll realise you're getting better and it will seem natural. Honestly! :-)

Good luck with the job application, I hope you get some positive news back next month.

Polar Bear said...

@AD
No, I don't think it's my sneakers. It's not a blister type thing - it's a hard lump, kinda like a swelling, but not bruised. But yes, I think I will get it checked out if it doesn't go down in another week or so.

@WCoyote
Thanks. I hope you hang in there.

@Harriet
Yeah, cancer isn't a great way to die. I saw a friend and colleague die in 5 weeks from ovarian cancer back in November. She was in terrible pain. But I often think of her and wish she were still alive and I were gone.

@J
Thanks - it's incredible for me to learn that I'm not alone in thinking of this terrible thing.

@Suzanne
I hope so. I really hope when it comes time, I will be ready to leave V.

Thanks everyone.

butterflies said...

After watching James die a horrible painful LONG death I would not wish cancer on my worst enemy.Its not a good way to die and not easy either.
I can understand you being sick of life..but death is not the answer to life.
The answer is in finding out how to live sucessfully,healthy,one step at a time...
If there was no bad things we would never know the good.
I could also tell yu that how you feel is because of your illness..but I have met others with BPD who have come through the other side and are very glad they didnt kill themselves.
OH..I dont think the lump is anything,sorry to say :) LOL

Polar Bear said...

@Butterflies
Thanks - yeah I know. My lumps never turn out to be anything.