Thursday, May 21, 2009

Surviving, and other updates

It's been a rough few weeks, but the fog is clearing. I've been to very dark places, and I don't know how little it would take to send me back there, and I've managed to frightened even myself this time.

I suspect the journey ahead will be painful but I have no other choice then to commit to moving on.

We've made up, V and I. The double speak did not occur in our last session. I made tremendous effort to stay present and engaged. Maybe I've even convinced her I was committed. And I am, don't get me wrong. What else could I do?

I've avoided my case manager for the last 3-4 weeks now. I'm embarressed about how emotional I was at our last meeting but I'm also upset and angry about how personally she seemed to respond to me at that meeting. Whether she actually was or not, I don't know. Like I said, I was in some pretty dark places over the last 4 weeks. How could I have trusted my own mind and the interpretations it was making? Still, she hadn't been helpful, and I could probably go on avoiding her. It's highly unlikely she'll make contact with me. But I'm running out of my medication and I'll have to get my script through her.

It's been cold here. Winter is well and truly here. I've been out running and it's just been amazing. The chill in the air that makes my extremities tingle makes me feel alive and ... vibrant somehow. I'm working harder, running faster, and not feeling the tiredness or heaviness.

Work has been OK. I'm starting to wonder if perhaps it is time for a change. There is an interesting job relating to what I used to do and would be so much more fun than what I am doing now. But I'm so resistant to change - even though it is still within the same Empire, it is in a different department and would mean a new boss as well. And yet - the more I think about the job, the more I feel like just moving on. Maybe I'll apply anyway and see what happens. Nothing to lose, after all. I might not even get short listed.

7 comments:

Hannah said...

welcome back out of the fog, good luck if you decide to apply for the new job :)

Anonymous Drifter said...

Glad you're feeling better ... I think you should apply for that job, like you said, you have nothing to lose

Borderline Lil said...

PB, just reading your thoughts on a potential new job made me feel happy. Cause it means you are looking forward, up and out of the darkness. Lovely to see. Good for you on getting here xxx

Harriet said...

Glad you're feeling a bit better. We must be in opposite hemispheres - it's finally getting warm here and it feels good! I'll regret saying that when the temp hits 100 degrees of course.

Wandering Coyote said...

PB, I'm so glad to read that the fog is clearing. And I'm glad things are cool once more between you and V.

If you're feeling it's time for a work change, then go for it! Like you said, you have nothing to lose.

Just Be Real said...

Polar Bear, glad to read that the fog is lifting for you! This is good. Blessings dear one.

Suzanne said...

I'm glad you're here.