It's been a rough few weeks, but the fog is clearing. I've been to very dark places, and I don't know how little it would take to send me back there, and I've managed to frightened even myself this time.
I suspect the journey ahead will be painful but I have no other choice then to commit to moving on.
We've made up, V and I. The double speak did not occur in our last session. I made tremendous effort to stay present and engaged. Maybe I've even convinced her I was committed. And I am, don't get me wrong. What else could I do?
I've avoided my case manager for the last 3-4 weeks now. I'm embarressed about how emotional I was at our last meeting but I'm also upset and angry about how personally she seemed to respond to me at that meeting. Whether she actually was or not, I don't know. Like I said, I was in some pretty dark places over the last 4 weeks. How could I have trusted my own mind and the interpretations it was making? Still, she hadn't been helpful, and I could probably go on avoiding her. It's highly unlikely she'll make contact with me. But I'm running out of my medication and I'll have to get my script through her.
It's been cold here. Winter is well and truly here. I've been out running and it's just been amazing. The chill in the air that makes my extremities tingle makes me feel alive and ... vibrant somehow. I'm working harder, running faster, and not feeling the tiredness or heaviness.
Work has been OK. I'm starting to wonder if perhaps it is time for a change. There is an interesting job relating to what I used to do and would be so much more fun than what I am doing now. But I'm so resistant to change - even though it is still within the same Empire, it is in a different department and would mean a new boss as well. And yet - the more I think about the job, the more I feel like just moving on. Maybe I'll apply anyway and see what happens. Nothing to lose, after all. I might not even get short listed.