Thursday, June 18, 2009

Existing

I'm struggling. But then I always am, always have been. I want more than just this. There's got to be a better way of living. Of not simply existing. Of not having plans in my head to die. Of not feeling so empty as though nothing would ever fill me up. Of wanting something so desperately and not really knowing what, of not being able to express that need in such a way that would make sense.

I reach with a deep yearning. I reach for that impossible and have come to realise how easily despair floods in when reality sets in. How willing I am to sacrifice my life because the unattainable hurts so much.

I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so unsafe. As if every day the clock is ticking away, counting down the days to the inevitable. How much time do I have left? Every day I feel myself slipping. I lose more time. I waste more time thinking. I waste more time wondering. I waste more time wishing.

How do I get out? How do I get out of my own head? How do I get past the urge, the need?

5 comments:

Avoidance junkie said...

I'm so sorry, it sounds like you're really deep down in it right now. Hang in there. Hugs.

Anonymous Drifter said...

I spend entirely too much time in my head and it drags me down.

I wish you peace in your thoughts.

Susan said...

It just goes on and on and on. I feel you pain, despair and the futileness that comes with the burden of living with a chronic mental illness.
What's the point anyway? More of the same?
Wherever your life takes you, it will always be with you and you'll be in your head.
Just being realistic.

Aqua said...

Hi PB,
I don't know how you get past the urges and the thoughts of wanting to die. Life seems so hard and riddled with pain. One thing I know is that having a network of friends helps. Online friends count in this regard. I am thinking of you and praying all this pain passes.
hugs,
...aqua

Aqua said...

Hi PB,
I feel like you describe. It is an awful, draining, disturbing hell. The only time I feel remotely in the moment and out of my head is when I am creating: painting, drawing, writing etc.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. Please reach out for help if you cannot manage.
hugs,
...aqua