I'm struggling. But then I always am, always have been. I want more than just this. There's got to be a better way of living. Of not simply existing. Of not having plans in my head to die. Of not feeling so empty as though nothing would ever fill me up. Of wanting something so desperately and not really knowing what, of not being able to express that need in such a way that would make sense.
I reach with a deep yearning. I reach for that impossible and have come to realise how easily despair floods in when reality sets in. How willing I am to sacrifice my life because the unattainable hurts so much.
I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so unsafe. As if every day the clock is ticking away, counting down the days to the inevitable. How much time do I have left? Every day I feel myself slipping. I lose more time. I waste more time thinking. I waste more time wondering. I waste more time wishing.
How do I get out? How do I get out of my own head? How do I get past the urge, the need?