Therapy gets harder and harder. I've just come out of a tough session where I accused V of pushing me too hard, and of not acknowledging enough that I'm giving my best.
My emotions are in a turmoil. I don't want to be here at work because I can't concentrate on anything, and to be honest, I don't care about anything work related that is going on right now.
I feel scraped raw. I was angry and while angry, it was easy to rage but yet just before I had to leave, before the session ended, fear seeped in. Fear, regret, sadness. I asked V just before I walked out the door "Are you mad at me?" She said no and asked if I were still mad at her? No, I said. No.
Am I still mad? No, not purely mad. Mad plus something else. A kind of fear. Madfear.