Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Madfear

Therapy gets harder and harder. I've just come out of a tough session where I accused V of pushing me too hard, and of not acknowledging enough that I'm giving my best.

My emotions are in a turmoil. I don't want to be here at work because I can't concentrate on anything, and to be honest, I don't care about anything work related that is going on right now.

I feel scraped raw. I was angry and while angry, it was easy to rage but yet just before I had to leave, before the session ended, fear seeped in. Fear, regret, sadness. I asked V just before I walked out the door "Are you mad at me?" She said no and asked if I were still mad at her? No, I said. No.

Am I still mad? No, not purely mad. Mad plus something else. A kind of fear. Madfear.

6 comments:

Anonymous Drifter said...

I think it's such a good thing that you can have such an open relationship with your therapist. In the past when I had therapy with the same woman for years I never felt I could say anything when I was feeling annoyed. Assertiveness is definitely not my forte.

butterflies said...

I like that word...madfear.

I can relate to that totally.
Do we go mad from fear?
Or do we fear going mad?

Either way,it is a raw emotion.Hang in there babe:)

Suzanne said...

I had the same with Guido a few times, I felt he was pushing me too hard. It takes time to process all of this and to change our way of thinking... what might seem tiny changes to our therapists are monumental to us. Next week, tell her again that it's too fast.

Hannah said...

A lot of our anger seems to stem from fear, and the natural instinct when you're frightened is to fight back. Hope the anger has subsided and you're OK, lots of Hugs,
Hann xx

Aqua said...

Madfear is a great description of that feeling. I get that so often.

Immi said...

I love the word madfear. It fits.
*hugs*