I've always believed that you reap what you sow. I believe in karma - what goes around comes around. And in keeping with this line of thought, then it must be that the life you live reflects the kind of person that you are.
We were talking about why I didn't think I deserved good things in life, or something around that. I must have insisted that bad people deserve what they get. That bad people don't deserve to get good things in life. Do other people deserve good things? Yes, because they are good people. Do YOU deserve good things? No, because I'm a bad person.
What makes you think you're a bad person? What evidence do you have that proves you're a bad person?
I couldn't say it out loud. But inside, I knew. In my heart I knew I'd lived the evidence of a bad life. Why else have no one ever loved me? Why else have not one single human being outside of my family ever loved me? Why have I never experienced that connection - that special bond that 90% of the human population (and usually as soon as they become teenagers) have experienced at least once in their life? Why has there never been a person, male or female, ever fallen in love with me? Why have no one ever desired me?
It was already evident from my childhood. No one could really love me without trying desperately hard. I saw my own mother struggle. What hope is there when your own mother struggles to love you?
I won't go as far as to say people are born loveable. But I'd say that love is a privilege not everyone is blessed with. Most times you can earn love. But only if there are things about you that can be loved. Sometimes you can try desperately hard, but there will be no takers. In that case, you luck out.
I think I lucked out. But essentially, I believe that the core of my being is simply bad. I never set out to become bad. But sometimes you just have to accept who you are.