Thursday, June 11, 2009

The makings of bad

I've always believed that you reap what you sow. I believe in karma - what goes around comes around. And in keeping with this line of thought, then it must be that the life you live reflects the kind of person that you are.

We were talking about why I didn't think I deserved good things in life, or something around that. I must have insisted that bad people deserve what they get. That bad people don't deserve to get good things in life. Do other people deserve good things? Yes, because they are good people. Do YOU deserve good things? No, because I'm a bad person.

What makes you think you're a bad person? What evidence do you have that proves you're a bad person?

I couldn't say it out loud. But inside, I knew. In my heart I knew I'd lived the evidence of a bad life. Why else have no one ever loved me? Why else have not one single human being outside of my family ever loved me? Why have I never experienced that connection - that special bond that 90% of the human population (and usually as soon as they become teenagers) have experienced at least once in their life? Why has there never been a person, male or female, ever fallen in love with me? Why have no one ever desired me?

It was already evident from my childhood. No one could really love me without trying desperately hard. I saw my own mother struggle. What hope is there when your own mother struggles to love you?

I won't go as far as to say people are born loveable. But I'd say that love is a privilege not everyone is blessed with. Most times you can earn love. But only if there are things about you that can be loved. Sometimes you can try desperately hard, but there will be no takers. In that case, you luck out.

I think I lucked out. But essentially, I believe that the core of my being is simply bad. I never set out to become bad. But sometimes you just have to accept who you are.


Borderline Lil said...

So much of this resonates with me, PB, I agree that having parents who demonstrate that they find it hard (impossible) to love and understand us makes it less "natural" to expect and accept love from others. I wonder how different my life might have been, and how adored I might have been, without the massive BPD "validation" chip on my shoulder.

I don't know you PB, except through your writing in this blog, but I refuse to believe you are intrinsically "bad" or "unloveable". It hurts my heart to think you might believe that about yourself...

I wish I knew how to convince you otherwise. I guess from my own experience I know that self-love is the hardest kind...but I wish it for you xx

Anonymous Drifter said...

I wish I knew some words of wisdom to say PB but I can't seem to find them I believe that when our heartfelt desires are left unfulfilled it can lead us to believing we are bad and undeserving. This is a false belief though. It must have been very painful not to feel love from your mother. I think it all begins with that. I also believe that in time you'll experience the love that you seek. In the meantime try to shower yourself with love. (((PB)))

Disillusioned said...

I could have written this. Seriously. Today. Are you inside my head or something?

GirlBlue said...

Parts of this post are as if I had written it.

I think it fitting that my word verification is prayfru, I don't pray often but when I do you will definitely be in there, hoping that you get only good things and more importantly peace of mind

butterflies said...

Oh you are NOT bad..your beautiful.Now Ive known you for 4 yrs(did yu realise that?) and you have always been caring loving and kind.You are very sensitive to others feelings..
Your mother had her own issues...
You can choose to spend yrs wasting time and energy on what you didnt get as a child,or you can say...

Fuck it!! I AM NOT A VICTIM and I WILL NOT carry it with me..

Thinking of you sweets:)

Avoidance junkie said...

Oh Polar Bear,

I truly feel you here, I struggle with this constantly. And I completely agree with what everyone has said.

I just wanted to add one thing, people rarely get what they deserve in this life. Bad people constantly get what they want because they screw people over while good people often spend their lives in misery. But it also happens the other way around.

Just because bad things happen to you it does NOT mean that you are bad. Not in the slightest.

I refuse to see a person who constantly tries to make me feel better as bad. That is just not a personality trait that a "bad" person has.

None of us are perfect, we all have our flaws, and you are probably your harshest critic, just try to keep that in mind.

Safe hugs.

Suzanne said...

I don't think you're unloveable or just lucked out in the love stakes. You've been dealt a harsh hand - your mother took away your ability to have "normal" relationships. With V, you're learning how to be "normal" again - and when your confidence grows you'll meet people and you'll form bonds and it will be for real - rather than this superficial thing us borderlines can do.