Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Remnants

Sometimes that's just the way the cookie crumbles. I should have known. I really should have. It's too easy to beat myself up about it now, but there you go. Last week she didn't even bother to show up, calling me way after the fact to let me know she'd been busy. I was so upset, left feeling as though I was too easy to slip her mind because... because, well, I just wasn't important enough. As if I don't already feel that every single moment of my life.

I tried to be OK. I really did, but in the end, I just felt sad.

I think it's ok (is it really?). I can still choose to close doors and walk away, pretend I've left them behind, even if I carry the hurt and pain somewhere in the depths of my facade.

I'm surprised that it has reared its ugly head today and that I find myself so close to tears about an event that has already passed and I would have thought had been buried and given a proper funeral already.

Is it just a bruised ego, and if it is, then why do I question my entire existence? It feels as if my heart would never stop breaking.

5 comments:

Anonymous Drifter said...

There have been small events in my life that have left me feeling totally abandoned and not worthy of remembering. It always takes me a long time to gather my bearings after such an event but it does happen. I hope you feel better soon, PB. *big hug*

Aqua said...

Hi PB,
I have those intense feelings of abandonment and rejection too. It doesn't matter how small the trigger...if it matters to you, it matters. I think if anyone just didn't show up on me I'd feel the same way. I hope it wasn't your therapist...that has happened to me before and that is a HUGE deal.
Take care and hugs,
...aqua

Sid said...

I've learned that you can bury it as deep as you want, but if you don't allow yourself time to grieve, the pain just keeps coming back.

Wish I could tell you how to grieve without getting sucked in further to the negative feelings, but I haven't learned that part of it yet.

butterflies said...

You GIVE her too much power.

TAKE it back :)

Just Be Real said...

Dear one I am right there with everyone else that I too can relate.

((((Polar Bear))))