Friday, October 23, 2009

Photography in words

I really don't know why I blog. Blogging or journalling means that you have a record of a period of time in the past. On the one hand, I feel compelled to record everything that happens (the more significant events anyway), hoping that one day I will learn from my mistakes, hoping that one day I will discover a kernal of wisdom that will reveal to me the secret of life. And sometimes I want to know - I want to know how I was feeling back then when such and such happened. Or maybe in a way, perhaps I am trying to make sense of my life by writing.

But on the other hand, the recordings are sometimes too painful to go back to - it's too painful to go back to a time that no longer exists, to a time when the reality might as well have been a fantasy, when things are nothing more than projections of my own mind. Why would I want to record things that I would rather not revisit? Why would I want to remember things that are painful? But most of all, why would I want to remember the losses, of things I no longer have?

These days I don't like to spend too much time thinking about the past. What's gone is gone, what's done is done. Of course I feel hurt and regret and I believe there is a part of me that will always grieve for the losses, of things I never had, of the injustice of certain events. But I understand better now, how there is no point in dwelling in the past. It's so cliche, but if I don't let go of the past, I can never move forward. I don't like to say it, but it's true.

People say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but I've always wondered - what if what doesn't kill you yet cripples you for the rest of your life? Then you live the life of a cripple? The crippled person could forget all about the past, but now he has to live his life disabled. So as much as I am able to let go of the past that crippled me, I now have to live the life of an emotional cripple. I don't think anything can change that.

In the meantime, I think I will continue writing. It doesn't always make sense to want to produce memories in black and white when reality hurts so much, but crazy is as crazy does.


Wandering Coyote said...

But PB, just let me gently say, that the cripple must be disabled, but he goes to rehab and physical therapy and he learns how to cope as best he can. It's not as black and white as it appears. And you know black & white thinking is one of our worst enemies - it's a trap. Challenge it instead!

Harriet said...

I know how you feel. I think I'd rather have it kill me than leave me emotionally disabled. Death seems the better option.

Suzanne said...

Because one day you will be better and this is your history, this is you. We've already put years of ourselves in to boxes never to be opened again. This will be prove that you did exist.

I read back on my blog and I'm amazed I had the strength to continue. One day perhaps I'll document the struggle properly. But right now it's just scribbles of existance... but I did and do exist. I actually have proof I was alive from 2003 until now... before that? Not so much! ;-)

Bossy Boots said...

I think we blog to try to find reasons for the insanity we feel. Maybe if we see all of our feelings laid out they might make more sense. It works sometimes and not other times, who knows why. It is true what does not kill us makes us stronger. I think yes it might temporarily cripple us, but if we work through the pain we will recover. Wandering Coyote is right you become crippled you don't "poor me", you get stronger and adapt to your new abilities. You change and evolve, that is what life is. Life is never static it is ever evolving.
It is very hard sometimes to see the sun through the trees but believe me it's still there shining away.
Bossy Boots

Polar Bear said...

Thanks for pointing out the black and white thing. You're right - it is our worst enemy.

It feels like that sometimes, well, a lot of the time. But we keep going, one step at a time, I guess. Sometimes I don't know how I do it.

It's painful to look back. I try not to, although sometimes I do get curious.

@Bossy Boots
Yeah, so hard to see the sun. Thanks for your encouragement.