I really don't know why I blog. Blogging or journalling means that you have a record of a period of time in the past. On the one hand, I feel compelled to record everything that happens (the more significant events anyway), hoping that one day I will learn from my mistakes, hoping that one day I will discover a kernal of wisdom that will reveal to me the secret of life. And sometimes I want to know - I want to know how I was feeling back then when such and such happened. Or maybe in a way, perhaps I am trying to make sense of my life by writing.
But on the other hand, the recordings are sometimes too painful to go back to - it's too painful to go back to a time that no longer exists, to a time when the reality might as well have been a fantasy, when things are nothing more than projections of my own mind. Why would I want to record things that I would rather not revisit? Why would I want to remember things that are painful? But most of all, why would I want to remember the losses, of things I no longer have?
These days I don't like to spend too much time thinking about the past. What's gone is gone, what's done is done. Of course I feel hurt and regret and I believe there is a part of me that will always grieve for the losses, of things I never had, of the injustice of certain events. But I understand better now, how there is no point in dwelling in the past. It's so cliche, but if I don't let go of the past, I can never move forward. I don't like to say it, but it's true.
People say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but I've always wondered - what if what doesn't kill you yet cripples you for the rest of your life? Then you live the life of a cripple? The crippled person could forget all about the past, but now he has to live his life disabled. So as much as I am able to let go of the past that crippled me, I now have to live the life of an emotional cripple. I don't think anything can change that.
In the meantime, I think I will continue writing. It doesn't always make sense to want to produce memories in black and white when reality hurts so much, but crazy is as crazy does.