Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Broken promises

What's this life worth? What's it worth compared to the millions of stars in the sky? What's it worth compared to the waters of the seas?

I am nothing. I have never been anything but a speck of dust. I've never been worth more than the dirt on the ground.

It's inevitable that the pain will come, and this time, I think it will finally claim me, and secretly, in some deep part of me, I am relieved. I must be relieved. I've seen it coming, I knew it was coming. I'll never be prepared for it no matter how much time it gives me. I knew that too.

For a long time I've pretended, and I've been a fraud. And I've lived this fake life, pretending to have things I have no right having. I thought if I could just pretend, it could be real someday. I was wrong. I was so wrong. And now it's finally caught up with me.

It's true what they say - you can run, but you can't hide and eventually, you just can't run anymore. That's when it gets you. That's when it finally gets you.


Aqua said...

Hi PB,
Your life is priceless to me. I watch you work through all you do and it makes me feel less alone. Your fight inspires me to keep fighting. You are more beautiful and valuable to the world and other people than you will ever know. e-mail me at aquamarine2002003atyahoodotca if you want a friend to listen.

Anonymous Drifter said...

Please don't think that you have no value. You are loved and more valuable than you could ever know. Like Aqua said, I'm here if you need someone to listen. I care. disjointedthoughts@gmail.com

Harriet said...

You are very real on this blog. We know you, perhaps like people in real life don't. And we find value in your life, in your writing, in your hope for us that we can feel tangibly when you comment on our blogs. Please email me as well if you need me. harrietmwelch@gmail.com

Sid said...

Even though we're on opposite sides of the world, you mean something to me. Of all the blogs I read, yours is the one I connect with the most and always have. In many ways I know that's depressing because we've both suffered immensely, but the biggest positive is in knowing I'm not alone. It may not seem like much to others, but when you feel you have no one, connecting with anyone means the world.

I wish more than anything that I could take away all your pain, even if that means I have to add it onto what I already struggle with. Wish I could shower your life with the happiness you so richly deserve. But all I can truly offer is my friendship. I'm here if you need me, whenever you need me.

Please take care of you Polar.

Immi said...

The often annoying part is that we have value whether we like it or not. In bad times we want to throw it away. I hope your bad times pass quickly. *offers hugs*