Countdown to the final days of 2009. I'm working the last 3 days of the year - till Wednesday. I have no plans for Christmas. Maybe a friend will take me in, I don't know. I'm just another homeless, abandoned puppy.
I see V tomorrow - the last session for the year. She hasn't been able to tell me when she returns. Maybe she's breaking me in for the big break up in May. My heart has become too numb for any real emotions. I've finally stopped crying and gotten on with the planning. It is the Plan that comforts me and gets me through. Whatever works, right? Somewhere, deep inside, somewhere beyond where I'm familiar with I'm afraid to say still hurts, but there's nothing for me to do now - as my case manager said - I have to accept it. I haven't voiced my thoughts on that - that there is an alternative. I don't think she wants to know. I don't think anyone really wants to know. It's a lonely place to be when you decide your life isn't worth living anymore.
So I will have just over a week off work. I really have no idea what I will do. DVD/Movie marathons, maybe. I'll just be marking time. Distractions. Everything is only a distraction. I want to reach out and say, help me... but this time of year everyone focuses on family. Their family.
That's just the way the cookie crumbles.