Monday, December 21, 2009

Tis the season

Countdown to the final days of 2009. I'm working the last 3 days of the year - till Wednesday. I have no plans for Christmas. Maybe a friend will take me in, I don't know. I'm just another homeless, abandoned puppy.

I see V tomorrow - the last session for the year. She hasn't been able to tell me when she returns. Maybe she's breaking me in for the big break up in May. My heart has become too numb for any real emotions. I've finally stopped crying and gotten on with the planning. It is the Plan that comforts me and gets me through. Whatever works, right? Somewhere, deep inside, somewhere beyond where I'm familiar with I'm afraid to say still hurts, but there's nothing for me to do now - as my case manager said - I have to accept it. I haven't voiced my thoughts on that - that there is an alternative. I don't think she wants to know. I don't think anyone really wants to know. It's a lonely place to be when you decide your life isn't worth living anymore.

So I will have just over a week off work. I really have no idea what I will do. DVD/Movie marathons, maybe. I'll just be marking time. Distractions. Everything is only a distraction. I want to reach out and say, help me... but this time of year everyone focuses on family. Their family.

That's just the way the cookie crumbles.

4 comments:

Stephany said...

I know we are 1/2 a world away but I'm here, and you COUNT, you are not alone in this world. ((HUGS))))

Anonymous Drifter said...

I'm wishing you some peace over the holidays. I know it's not easy but hopefully time will fly by and next thing you know you're into 2010. I'm praying for a good New Year for you.

Hannah said...

Sending you much love for the holidays, I hope you use the week to rest and take care of yourself. I'm sure many would agree that Christmas is just as important for sharing with friends as well as family, don't think for one minute that you're not welcome and wanted,
Hann xx

Harriet said...

I want to know. I have the alternative plan as well. It's comforting to me to know that plan is in place, that I have my "emergency exit". I understand that feeling. You don't have to be lonely in that place because I'm right there with you, ok?

So are you anywhere near Delaware, because that is where I'll be on Christmas and I'd take you in.