Friday, December 04, 2009


So much has happened. So much is still going on. Work has been busy, but that was because I had been in hospital and then on sick leave for another week before I went back to work. So things piled up. My email inbox exploded and I could barely keep up.

The main trigger is that V is now discussing ending DBT. It's been 5 years and she thinks I've gotten everything I need to and there's not much else she can add. To me, this means termination, and termination to me is terrifying. I've reacted in dramatic fashion. I went psychotic - which resulted in my hospitalisation. Not great. I argued with V for a couple of weeks, getting angry - I was furious about the abandonment. Then I cycled through a period of extreme grief. Then I became numb. I could only see suicide as a way out. I still do - but I need to talk myself into it. Sometimes it is easy, but other times, it is not.

I'm hurt, I'm angry/furious. I'm making things up in my mind about how terrible it will be. I cannot comprehend a life without V. V is my strength, my reason to keep going - and I know this shouldn't be the case. It's a profesional relationship, nothing more. And I am so mad at myself for getting so attached.

I keep losing track of time. Last weekend I did a 40km cycle ride in a 160km relay. Today I did a 10.6km run - the first organised run I've participated in since forever. I almost killed myself doing those hills, but I can't escape my demons. I can't out-cycle or out-run my own tortured thoughts. I'm scared.


Harriet said...

Oh Polar Bear, I'm sorry this is happening to you. Termination is terrifying, and your reactions are perfectly understandable. I hope she gives you as much time as you need to get through it with her help. Keep running....

Wandering Coyote said...

I don't know what I can say to help you through this, PB. I feel so helpless over here...I think you are much stronger than you give yourself credit for, though. I really believe that...

Take care of yourself, and like Harriet said, keep running.

Stephany said...

You climb, you go as high as you can and you keep going, you keep going damn it. GO.

GirlBlue said...

You have to believe it will be okay


Anonymous Drifter said...

What you're going through is so understandable. I have faith that you'll be able to get through this.

Suzanne said...

PB, as others have said - it's all scary stuff. Personally I don't think you're ready to cease 100% with therapy, but perhaps you ARE at the end of the road with DBT.

I googled Schema Therapy and your area and found some therapists and was hoping that this might be an avenue for you to explore - you know how well it's worked out for me! :-)

If you want to talk about it more in private, drop me an email on facebook or something. x

Polar Bear said...

Thanks for your support.

I don't feel strong. But I will keep running, even though I haven't done that in a few days.

Thanks for your support.

I'll try, but right now nothing makes much sense to me.

I don't know if it will work out. I don't know how to get more faith. Thanks for your support, and for sticking there with me despite my depressive posts.

Thanks for being so honest with me, Suzanne.

I don't think I will do therapy after V, though. It's not the therapy, it has more to do with my relationship with V.

Thank you so much each and every one of you who comment here or email me. I'm in a very bad space at the moment, though it does have its ups and downs. As I say, I feel as if I am fading in and out.

V won't terminate abruptly. From mid next year we will stop weekly sessions and go on to fortnightly sessions, then eventually monthly. then maybe once ever quarter. I know V is sensitive to my fears of abandonment. But it still feels like abandonment to me. Seeing her less than weekly is simply terrifying to me right now.

I;m such a loser. But I guess that's what happens when you open yourself up to someone and trust them.

Suzanne said...

hello, for some reason I thought you meant you were stopping soon, e.g., Feb. I had exactly the same thing - he must've broken in to me about 18 months before I actually stopped seeing him and I thought at the time "no way, it can't ever happen". But as you say, it went gradually from weekly to bi-weekly, to monthly through to quarterly... and it's actually been fine.

Polar Bear said...

Thanks Suzanne.

I WANT it to be fine, to be OK. But I am terrified about it. But hearing you say you were fine is a small bit comforting.