So much has happened. So much is still going on. Work has been busy, but that was because I had been in hospital and then on sick leave for another week before I went back to work. So things piled up. My email inbox exploded and I could barely keep up.
The main trigger is that V is now discussing ending DBT. It's been 5 years and she thinks I've gotten everything I need to and there's not much else she can add. To me, this means termination, and termination to me is terrifying. I've reacted in dramatic fashion. I went psychotic - which resulted in my hospitalisation. Not great. I argued with V for a couple of weeks, getting angry - I was furious about the abandonment. Then I cycled through a period of extreme grief. Then I became numb. I could only see suicide as a way out. I still do - but I need to talk myself into it. Sometimes it is easy, but other times, it is not.
I'm hurt, I'm angry/furious. I'm making things up in my mind about how terrible it will be. I cannot comprehend a life without V. V is my strength, my reason to keep going - and I know this shouldn't be the case. It's a profesional relationship, nothing more. And I am so mad at myself for getting so attached.
I keep losing track of time. Last weekend I did a 40km cycle ride in a 160km relay. Today I did a 10.6km run - the first organised run I've participated in since forever. I almost killed myself doing those hills, but I can't escape my demons. I can't out-cycle or out-run my own tortured thoughts. I'm scared.