Thursday, January 07, 2010

New year

Well, it's over. At least for another year...

I had a total of about 12 days off. I didn't do anything terribly exciting except for the trip down to Wellington, hoping to catch the 3D version of Avatar which didn't happen because it was sold out. Yeah, I know, I should have booked online the previous day.

In truth, there were days when I felt a bit lost. All that time - alone. It's just not a good thing for me mentally. I spent much of the time brooding. There's only one major thing occupying my mind lately but I won't go into that now. The pain of it is still too raw. And the anticipation of that pain fills me with dread.

Some mornings I got up and for the first 10-20 minutes upon waking, I would play this game in my head - a game V taught me actually for another purpose - I would go through the alphabet and name animals, or places, or boys' names, or girls' names. So it would go something like this - say I choose animals as the subject, so I would go A for Aardvark, B for Badger, C for Crocodile, and so on.

That's the only way I know to stop those tortured thoughts. The only way I could go on with my day without overdosing, or cutting myself, or hitting myself, or punching out the walls. I still lost the battle occasionally. The violence would bubble forth and I would give in. I guess you can't win all the time.

2009 went by remarkably quickly. There were no major milestones, but there were definately a few bumps along the road. I'm currently not in a position to review the year and reflect on those events. I'm barely holding myself together mentally and emotionally.

I guess all I want to say is, Yay 2010. At least it's a brand new year and I hope I can shed all the negative energy from 2009.


Wandering Coyote said...

Happy New Yaer to you, Polar Bear! I hope it's a much better one for you than 2009 was, and I wish you all the best.

La-reve said...

Having been plagued witha a similar 2009. Hoping 2010 is better - you deserve it. x

Laura said...

I often do the alphabet game when I go to bed at night. Sometimes it works, othertimes no.

I hope 2010 is a much better year for you.

Hannah said...

Best wishes for 2010, I really hope it brings you health and happiness,
Hann xx

Harriet said...

I think you have a great strategy. I sing the ABC song in my head to get rid of bad thoughts. Like you, it works sometimes and doesn't work other times. Take it one minute at a time. I hope you're ok.

Crazy Nurse said...

Thanks for the protip about the alphabet game. I hope 2010 is a smoother ride for you

stay safe