Thursday, January 21, 2010

Please sir, I want some more

It is a terrible thing, to want more. To want more than I ever deserved, to want more than what I have, the wanting, the needing... One has no right to ask for more than one's own share. Needing it more than what is appropriate, what is right... The universe has its way of making sure of that. To go against the universe is to incur pain. Tremendous pain. I see that now. It was wrong of me. So very wrong.

You've shown me compassion, you've shown me such tenderness, and I believed every drop of it, I've drunk it all so greedily, like a starving animal, it was the sweetest thing I ever tasted. And now I don't know if I can live without it.

I've deserved none of it. None of it. If it wasn't for your mercy, I would never have had it at all.

It is a terrible thing, to want more, like Oliver Twist, to want just that much more to satiate me. To want more, just to fill my stomach. Just so I would not be so hungry.


Suzanne said...

There's nothing wrong with wanting more and you certainly don't need to talk to yourself in a negative manner when using the word "deserve".

Everyone deserves love, care and attention.

Stephany said...

We better want more!

What else is the oyster for? that world we are told is within our grasp, to dive for the pearl, and then what?

Yes, you are here, and this is truly magnificent isn't it?

Diversion, let's count how many more winters or summer or spring we think we have left.


We want to see the seasons, and we will.


Hannah said...

If we never wanted more then where would our motivation for life come from?
Suzanne is right - that word 'deserve' shouldn't be seen as a negative, when we are in a position to love and respect ourselves then we can realise that we do deserve more and better.
biggest hugs, you really do deserve happiness - don't ever allow yourself to think you don't.
Hann xox

Harriet said...

You deserve everything you want, and more. You deserve to be happy and loved. What you want isn't wrong, it is how you feel.

Ethereal Highway said...

If I may...

It seems the point may have been missed. Wanting something, even deserving it, and then having to find a way to live with the pain of the knowledge that you cannot have it in sufficient quantities to meet your need, that perhaps you never have had very much of it at all... to be that starving animal whose last scrap of food is being withdrawn by the only hand that has ever fed it... This is pain. I know because I am also a starving animal. I have finally given up looking for something to eat.

Matthew Isaacson said...

I think that being hard on yourself for using the word "deserve" is all-or-nothing thinking, part of BPD. I think that instead of thinking about right v. wrong, deserve v. not deserve, it's important to think about what's healthy or unhealthy, effective or ineffective.

Polar Bear said...

Thank you for your support.

Thanks - it seems you have more faith in me than myself.

It's very hard to see that, but I'll try.

Thank you.

@Etheral highway,
Yes, a starving animal. You hit the nail on the head. I'm afraid I'll remain starving for the rest of my life, or that I will die from this starvation.

That sounds like the whole idea of Dialectical Behaviour Therapy. Thanks for bringing that up. I need to work on it obviously.

Anonymous said...


eeabee said...

Thanks for your comment on my blog. I hate to think of other people feeling the same way but since it happens, it's good to hear that you're out there too.

Still, I wish these losses and bottomless aches didn't have to happen or be there.