Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Pieces of me

If only you knew what is in my mind. But I'm not going to hold you hostage.

Pain is desire - desire for something we cannot have. Is a better life something I can never have? Is that what you are trying to say to me? Should I stop wanting? How do I stop wanting? I want to stop wanting.

Yesterday you told me how frustrated you are with me. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry I don't get it. I'm sorry I didn't watch my words and made you angry. It's hard for me to know what the right words would be. And now I am scared, I am scared of my words tripping me up again, making you frustrated, making you angry enough to ask me to leave. I'm sorry - I am so quick to apologise because I couldn't imagine what I would do if you asked me to leave.

I'm sorry you need to talk to your consult group about me. I'm sorry you need motivation to work with me. I try to be good. Sometimes I try so hard. And I still let you down. Just like how I let everybody down.

I don't want to cry anymore, and yet lately that seems to be all I ever do. I'm so tired of crying. Once the floodgates are opened, how do I stop crying? And when the world seems as if it will never be OK again, when my heart physically hurts in my chest, what do I tell myself to ease that incredible agony?

8 comments:

Matthew Isaacson said...

Now is the time to remember the distress tolerance skills from DBT.

Borderline Lil said...

You CAN and WILL have a better life, Polar. This is a beautiful post, but your sadness is palpable these days and it makes me sorry. I hope for better times soon x Take care X

Friend of the Bear said...

Hi Polar. I agree with Matthew on the DBT. You need to push your self to change this mindset. Because it sounds like it's making things worse. And you definitely don't need this situation to get worse.

I actually thought from previous posts that this relationship must be completely over. It seems that isn't the case, but to save it things obviously need to change.

I think you are being very negatively judgemental on yourself. For example, maybe you don't get it because she hasn't explained it properly? There are always at least 2 ways of looking at any situation. Challenge yourself to find other angles, other possibilities.

I think you need to restore some balance here. To yourself and to this relationship. A relationship is 2 equal partners and you both have responsibility.

I really hope this situation eases soon. Seek out balance and calm at every opportunity, both in your head and with her.

You need to find some level ground to stand on, emotionally speaking.

Sorry for saying too much, but only because I want your pain to stop.
Bearfriend xx

Sid said...

Do you ever bring in your blog posts so they can read your words and know where you are, what you're feeling, how you're coping (or not) and all the rest?

You convey your thoughts very well using the written word, maybe having the words written down would help get your point across more clearly.

I just mention this because I'm starting to think that maybe I'm not verbalizing my true feelings and thoughts well enough and things are getting lost in translation from my head to my mouth to everyone elses ears.

Harriet said...

I'm so sorry you are sad and in pain. You don't need to try to be good, you are good. You are just good. It sounds like things are being misunderstood maybe? I don't know, I wish I could help. But my thoughts are with you.

eeabee said...

You're not the only one whose therapist needs to talk to her consult group or gets frustrated--I think that's just part of what happens sometimes. But I've felt bad about being the source of that too when it's been happening for me. I think though it's not a sign of us not being good enough, but just the challenges we face and they face with us, and sometimes (in my case) that we trigger things in them.

Ethereal Highway said...

Perhaps your therapist has talked to you about how she cannot be ultimately responsible for your feelings and that whole spiel? Well... That's a two way street, honey. Whatever frustration she has is her own problem. It's not your fault. Maybe SHE is the one who needs to employ 'DBT skills' (and no, I won't even go there:-). I don't know exactly what happened, but you shouldn't have to walk on eggshells in your therapy. I know that doesn't stop the pain, though. Yeah, I know.

Polar Bear said...

@Matthew
Good reminder. Always so hard to think about DBT skills when you are in the middle of horrible pain. But yeah, I should be using the skills.

@Lil
Thanks, Lil. You take care too.

@Friend of Bear
I am being judgmental. I need to stop doing that. Thanks for being so honest with me.

@Sid
Yeah I have thought about bringing my writing in to her, but I always find that so hard, I don't know why. I always end up hating when I write - particularly when it has strong overtones of emotion in it.

@Harriet
Thank you, Harriet for your continued support.

@eeabee
It's interesting - I called her yesterday for phone coaching, and she said she wasn't frustrated with ME, but was frustrated by my BEHAVIOUR. I don't know how you can separate a person from a person's behaviour, but there you go.

@Etheral,
Thanks for your support. You're right - it is a two way street, but it seems so one way recently.

Polar B.