Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Sometimes

Sometimes I am brave, or at least I try to be. But sometimes I can't, and I give in to the demons that prowl my mind.

It seems that all they ever do these days is scream at me. And I don't know how much longer I am prepared to live with that.

I told myself I wasn't going to cry today. Infact I told V that I wasn't going to cry again - that I am DONE with crying. But it only made me cry harder. I wept, and then regretted it. I alternated between anger and extreme sadness. Anger was easier. It was so much easier.

At work after the session, someone asked me if I was ok. I must look a mess. But mostly, I've been hiding in my office.

V called me later. She asked if we should move our time to the end of the afternoon so I didn't have to go into work looking a mess. I said no. It wouldn't be safe for me to be at home after a session like the ones we've been having lately. I was touched by her consideration, but I'm still mad.

Sometimes I am brave, or at least I try to be. But sometimes I can't, and I give in to the demons that prowl my mind.

3 comments:

Friend of the Bear said...

Hi Polar. I think you're very brave to keep confronting this stuff, to keep going through it all.

I hope the therapy has some positive effect in the longer term even though it's tough right now.

Bearfriend xx

Borderline Lil said...

Keep trying PB, you ARE brave and powerful enough to fight those demons. I have faith in you!

Harriet said...

You don't always have to be brave. It's a lot of pressure to have to be brave all of the time. I wish someone would give me permission to be a coward. If you want to be not brave, I think it's ok.