Monday, February 15, 2010

Unending blindness

Sure, I could. I've probably survived a lot worse. So yeah, sure, I could pick myself off the ground and move on. Focus on positive things instead of the pain. That's what everybody wants me to do. Just move on, as if that is the easiest thing in the world to do. Why didn't I think of that myself?

But I'll tell you a little secret. I don't want to. I don't want to put myself through the pain. It's just not worth it. Am I being a coward? Am I being weak? Am I selfish? Yes, yes, and yes. But I don't care.

I am being a petulant child because I am tired and hungry. I am tired of this life. I am tired of this crap. I'm tired of being in pain. But most of all, most of all..., I am tired of this emptiness, that aching hole inside of me that knows no boundaries.

And so I will throw a tantrum. Even if no one cares.

8 comments:

Friend of the Bear said...

Hi Polar. Sometimes getting angry is a useful thing to do. When I'm angry over it all I have energy and strength - things which I don't have when I'm locked in depression and pain.

So trantrum away. Be angry. Be pissed off. Feel the energy to change something.

Bearfriend xx

Matthew Isaacson said...

Tantrums are prefectly fine. Blogging is probably one of the best places to throw one.

Borderline Lil said...

I agree with the others, chuck whatever tantrums you need to - anger can be cathartic you know (: Just be safe and know we care x

La-reve said...

ow how you feel you are not being selfish just using whatever emotion and skill you can to survive and no you shouldn;t have to survive but really live but sometimes survivvng is enough in the hope things can only get better. thinking of you. x

Addison said...

I could have written this myself. I sooooooo feel this way. I just made my own BPD blog and have found a few others. I understand.
I wanted to say...
My therapist gave me some ideas for throwing a tantrum that was not destructive. Throw ice cubes in the bathtub. IT WORKS. It's loud, messy and you can throw a fit and not tear anything up.

Harriet said...

I agree, throw all the tantrums you want. It's horrible being in pain ALL THE TIME. All the damn time. You know why it's scary to "move on" or "focus on positive things"? Because what if you do that and you're still in pain? Then what? How scary is that? Itt's not an matter of weakness or selfishness, it's self preservation.

eeabee said...

this is the hard thing for me about times of overwhelming grief or pain in general--that being told i can get through it seems to fall flat because sometimes i just don't want to. i remember my therapist telling me i would be okay but that felt empty because i couldn't identify with even wanting to be okay or get through it.

Bridgette said...

Thanks so much for your post, and your blog. Millions of Americans suffer from a misdiagnosed or undiagnosed mental illness. Silver Hill Hospital has clinicians trained in evaluation, diagnosis and adult and adolescent psychiatric treatment and provides hope for people who may not have been getting the right care. Talking/blogging about mental illness can be extremely helpful not just for yourself, but for others in need. Keep up the good work.