Thursday, April 15, 2010

Crossroads

Maybe it's time I started to grieve the end of my 6 year relationship with V. I'm trying to tell myself it's pointless to hold onto a fantasy. It's simply not something I was ever meant to have on a permanent basis, and while it lasted, I experienced feelings - good feelings I have never felt before, or perhaps did, but never for more than mere moments. And this now, must all come to an end as everything has done before.

I have to let it go. I have to return something that I had borrowed. It was never mine to begin with, and it doesn't matter how much I still want it, how desperately I want it. I want it so much I have felt that I couldn't possibly live without it. And I still don't know if I can. I don't know if I can despite knowing I have done so in the past.

I have to let it go, but I don't want to. It is such a heart wrenching process. It strips away a layer of my soul which all my tears have not eased one bit. It is an unrelenting burning agony. And all the words in the world could not truly describe this pain.

I am standing on the precipice of my life.

There are 2 stories. The one about the soldier of tragedy who goes off into battle, fighting a war he could never win. He is struck down again and again. And yet he gets up and soldiers on. But in the end, he bleeds to death from his wounds because he would be cut open and was never allowed time to heal before he was struck down again. No one dressed his wounds. No one held him in their arms, feeding him food or giving him water when he was thirsty and starving. His death was dignified, but it was a waste. It was for the glory of his country, but he was only a statistic in the end.

There is another story about the warrior who goes to battle. He too is struck down over and over again but the warrior fights through everything and he hangs onto life, though barely. There is no one there to feed him or give him water, but he eats the vegetation on the ground and drinks from the mud puddle. He survives because he is a warrior, but his body is marked with scars and parts of his flesh is simply rotting from infected wounds. He will always walk with a bad limp and pain will be his constant companion for as long as he breathes.

Who am I? Am I the soldier of tragedy or am I the warrior?

11 comments:

郭君 said...

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Wandering Coyote said...

PB, you are the warrior, and I think deep down you KNOW this! YES, grieve. Take your time in doing so and be gentle. I know you are a warrior and you will push through this.

Ethereal Highway said...

Why only those two choices? Are there not other stories besides just those two?

Harriet said...

I hate endings too. The pain can be overwhelming. But I think you are a warrior.

Me said...

You are a warrior... you fight every day and are still here... allow yourself to grieve too... it will help you be stronger in the long run... and you are strong.

Loui said...

I'd pick warrior for you PB, you're strong, you've been through so much. V was only there for some of your journey, so yes grieve for the ending of the relationship; but I believe you will feel good feelings again too.

Take care of yourself!

Sid said...

Not sure if you've written about this, and apologize if you have and I just don't remember, but why is your relationship with V ending? Is she leaving her job, have your benefits run out, etc? I understand if you don't want to discuss it, but I was just wondering if you are able to see someone else if you wanted to. I know it's difficult to start a relationship with someone new, I've been stuck doing that almost yearly, but in any case, would it help to view this not as an end, but as a new beginning?

I'd also say you are the warrior. You've been through so much, much more than most, and still you are here. Keep fighting.

GeraldF_Rotter雅慧 said...

書是知識的寶庫,智慧的泉源。......................................................

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Polar Bear said...

Thank you everyone who has commented here. I'm sorry I haven't blogged recently. My mind is still going round in circles. But I'll update soon, I hope.

Sid - I'm currently accessing V via a public service. You have to be pretty sick to access this service and according to V, I was, but now I am supposed to have "armed" myself with skills and tools which should help me cope. She, along with people who don't know me judged me based on my record, and progress over the last few years. And they have all made the decision to discharge me. I have no say in this matter. Which is prob what I'm most angry about. If I wanted to go on with therapy, i will have to access the private service and pay for sessions myself. Which I won't do, becuase I'll just get myself tangled into another relationship and put myself in a vulnerable position. I'll never do that again.

L said...

Hi PB,

My question was the same as Sid's. If I were you I would feel angry too...actually rage seems like a pretty accurate description of how I would feel if I was abandoned by my therapist. That is so wrong. I always thought the patient was s/b the one decided when they are well enough to go it alone. I am so sorry this is happening.

I know for me, if this happened I would need a new therapist to deal with losing the old therapist. Not sure if it's possible for you to privately see someone to help you get over, and through, this experience.
My heart is with you,
...aqua