Thursday, April 29, 2010

Wild

I've been away a while, I know. I don't know what to say. My feelings fluctuate, and I'm rarely ever sure what it is I am feeling at any one time. Mostly I can say it's feelings of sadness, but there is anger too, there is frustration, and there is that mixed state which is neither here nor there.

Work crises has been keeping me busy, but every day I still go home to an empty home and I have to tend to that screaming mad witch who hates me desperately at the moment. Yes, the self loathing is horrible. It's tearing me apart.

The tsunami of emotions continues to drown me. I want things to end on a good note and that's what I told her. She deserves that much at least from me, after 6 years. But her lack of trust of me at the moment is making me wild with rage.

I have so much to lose...

8 comments:

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Borderline Lil said...

I hear you PB, hope that you can keep swimming in the tsunami ((polar))

Me said...

Sometimes the hardest thing is dealing with all the emotions, that swing from place to place, leaving you all mixed up and hurting. You'll come through this, just take each day, piece by piece, and keep swimming...

Clueless said...

I am sorry that you are going through this. If it helps, self-loathing is one of the biggest issues with BPD and one that I struggle with all the time. Remember, you are not abandonable!!
I am in the middle of all my thoughts and emotions all mixed together...but, I know that you can feel many things at one time. Take care

Ari said...

{{Hugs}}

I do hope you feel better. Emotional storms are never fun to go through.

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辰原 said...

may the blessing be with you.........................................

Harriet said...

PB - how are you doing?