Monday, August 16, 2010

On reflection

Sometimes it’s hard to let go of things we need to let go of. Sometimes it’s hard to accept change when change is forced upon us, sometimes it’s not even our fault. Sometimes it’s hard to do things in a new way because the old ways are so familiar, if nothing else, and even if it causes us so much pain.

But I’m slowly learning. I can’t hold onto things just because that’s how they have always been. I’m so scared of letting go, but I must. I must somehow. I have no choice. That’s just the way life rolls. I have anger, and I have bitterness, but I know that like the grief and the pain, in time, it will pass. The colours will be muted, the emotions will fade, the edges will smooth itself out, and maybe, maybe I will also find forgiveness.

I’ve become so hard in the recent months. In a bid to protect myself I’ve rebuilt the same old walls, I’ve laid the blame away from me, I’ve gotten myself into confrontations (which has always been in my nature to avoid at all costs). It was just easier that way, my way of putting up a fight, to stand up for myself just this time when everything else is falling apart. And what have I achieved? People have turned away from me, I’ve gotten their backs up. For that, I will take responsibility for. I don’t know if I would do things differently. Maybe it’s just a process I need to go through. I don’t know. But slowly, I am being put in my place.

I have to try to remember to be more humble because at the end of the day, I’m not a super hero, in fact I’m nothing great. I’m nothing, really. The world owes me nothing. And maybe the theory that still needs to be tested is whether I get what I put in.

I would hope so.

1 comment:

Inside the Mind of a... said...

Hey! I just found your blog and am starting to follow it. I share your pain with the bpd and trying to resolve issues and find some peace. I'm sorry you've been having a difficult time.

I think your blog is spoken beautifully. I'm really having letting go issues right now as well...

take care, stay strong