Wednesday, September 01, 2010

Happy birthday

I hope you had a good one. Did you think that I would remember you this time of year? I do, every year since I have known (you).

I know we've fought a lot this year. I know we've had our differences, and you've caused me so much pain and grief. And yet I can only remember you fondly. Such is the curse that I carry with me and will forever be.

And I want you to know that any resentment I feel on my part is only because sometimes the pain is so much that I really have no other options. I know hatred much more intimately than I do love. It is easier on my heart when I am angry. Anger is a soothing balm to the burning desire and pain inside of me. And anger ignites hate.

I know how it will end. I know how things can never be. I don't want to fight anymore. I want you to live your life the way you want, and I will simply have to live mine. No more lies, no more delusions.

I'd like to just walk away, bury the memories deep in the pit of an abyss. And hope that the anniversaries and the little reminders will not trip me up too much. I will think of you fondly, despite the price I have to pay for it - the incredible sense of emptiness and longing. Longing for something I can never have. But I should be used to that by now. I really should. It's not your fault.

I'm sorry if I caused you any hurt, or pain, or any negative feelings. You don't deserve that. Maybe some good will come from my leaving you (or is it you leaving me). Even if it means I have to sacrifice my happiness, my yearnings...

For me, it's just one more loss. One more loss and more grief, more pain. But it's OK. I'll be OK.

I wish you well. I really do. And I hope the people you have chosen to surround yourself with treat you well.

They are so lucky to have you.

1 comment:

butterflies said...

Theres so much freedom in letting go!
I have let go a couple of mths ago ..to a relationship that was never going to be more than "here for a reason and only for a season".
I still get sad about what could have been..but hey..all we have is the future..right? and Im free and happy now..change takes time..
Hugs GF xoxo